Joel Stein, Kim Kardashian, and Me

I wish I could be like this guy:

THE Joel Stein

Actually, you know what? By comparing my picture to his, I kind of am like him. Look at his picture, then look at mine, look at his, then look at mine, look at his then look at mine:

I wish my last name were Einstein. Then I'd kind of be related to Joel.

Uh...











...I actually meant to put this picture up:

Joel and I both wear glasses!...well, sometimes I do. Can we please be related yet?

You see, Joel Stein has his own column in Time...and, not only is he published in a super-smart type of magazine, but...he's also hilarious. He has the sort of real dry, sarcastic tone that only I could hope for. I wish I could make fun of Kim Kardashian and get paid a six digit salary for it. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl guy who looked good, I would call him.

This isn't really the place for me to share my secret wishes, huh? Anywaaaaays, mainly, I wish I had the ability to write a short article on why Kimmie (as I like to call her) is an attention-starved, empire-building Armenian...and have millions of eyes brisk through my freshly published page...or at least use it as the platter for the drops of mustard that plunge from someone's Sam's Club hot dog. Because, then, and only then, would I know that I've made it.

In the waste industry.

Right there with my good friend, Kim.

I could go on to say that the Kardashians are just a big pile of crap. But then I wouldn't sound all professional, like my idol, Joel--he would never use the word "crap". Instead, I'll just say that the KKK (Kim, Kourtney, and their brother, Khloe) truly do belong in the waste industry, and not just because they are a waste of our time or our energy. But (wouldn't it be funny if I had put an extra t right there at the end? You know, considering who I'm writing about) they're wasting a perfectly fine time slot on E! for this new show that's yet to be written by me, and about me, Laying Low With the Little People: A Perspective From the Bottom Up. (Oh, wait, dang it, I think Kim already trademarked that last line.)

E! doesn't yet know that it's missing out on a sleeper, though. As the sleeper (I love to sleep) and, as the sleeper who has so much in common with the famous-for-doing-nothing starlit, Kimmie (Kimmie loves to sleep...around), I feel inclined to say that I don't think I could ever have as much success as my main man, Joel.

Surely, I have just as much talent--nay, merit--as Joel. Just ask my second grade teacher. I won an award! Like, the most prestigious award available...at the time. A sticker. But, that's besides the point. An award for having the most creative story in the class! Oh...you did call my second grade teacher? She doesn't know who I am? Well, uh...then ask my fifth grade teacher. She must remember me, right? She gave me a sticker, too...why would she have given me an award out of her 32 students? What? You're telling me she gave everyone in the class an award? Fine, okay, well, I have more references. Take, for example the fact that I wrote the horoscopes for my high school newspaper. While I was a freshman. FOR A SEMESTER. I mean, if people who have the ability to forecast circumstances that are bound to take place during their classmates' day don't gain any respect around here (okay, seriously, how would I know that it's 99% likely for a student to past a pencil!), then I'm disappointed. Oh, oh, and I took a creative writing class in high school AND college.

Joel, please tell me, how long did it take for you to graduate with a Bachelor's from Stanford, receive an MA, teach humor writing at Princeton, and become a writer for multiple papers before becoming a National sensation?! I've been blogging for a year with no prospects of a six digit salary. Let alone, a salary. A year!

year/yi(ə)r/

Noun:

Five times the length that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were sealed together in holy matrimony. 365 days. In other words, it's the allotted time in which Kim Kardashian will:  A) come out with a new "leaked" video, most likely involving chocolate and chocolate candies;  B) introduce America to the must-have fragrance for the unhappily married couple: Breakable: Tie the Knot. It'll Leave You Hanging; and  C) acquaint the world with her never-before-seen NEW idea for a reality show spin-off: Kim and Her Butt Take to the Cameras and Do Nothing Else. Except Maybe an NFL player.

Get yours now--exclusively at Macy's!

I don't know how Joel can write--it seems so effortlessly--every week about some stupid subject (i.e. Kimmie). To resemble anything remotely similar to Joel Stein's writing, it's going to take me a LOT of work.

Something that Kim and I are not fond of.

We're both fat arses.

Happy 1st Birthday, Shanimal's Crackers!

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY, Shanimal's Crackers! 

Haaaaaaappy Birthday tooooo youuuuuuuuuu!

Balloons

Par-tay

My blog is only turning one year old today, so she won't know whether or not any of you 961 friends of hers got her a gift. (By the way, if you don't give her anything, don't feel bad--neither did I. Psh. I only gave her LIFE). Anyways, I think we should all eat cake...or better yet, ice cream cake...from Baskin Robbins...mint chocolate chip flavored, please. But, oh, wait, that'd mean I'D have to buy it, huh? Eh, she's only one. She won't remember whether or not she had cake on her one year of life in the Bloggosphere. And she's not even going to remember who any of you guys are...unless...uh, you leave her a little note (or comment) that you were here?

I love my itty bitty blog. Isn't she just adorable-wodarable?! She has added so much meaning to my life, and I'm grateful for her existence. So grateful, in fact, that I have compiled a select few baby pictures of hers in order to brag about how my lil' baby has grown oh-so-much!

Here's my itty-bitty one when she was brand spankin' new (no, don't worry, I haven't had to spank her...yet):

August 9, 2010-January 2011 (kind of looked like this--except with Shanimal's Crackers in big white font)

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March 28, 2011-June 2011

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June 2011-July 5, 2011

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July 5, 2011-Present

My, I'm still having a hard time wrapping my finger around just how much she's grown. (Hmm. Yep. My finger can't wrap around my laptop screen.) What with this being her 73rd appearance (post), and already having 1,141 comments, she's just growing way too fast. Nobody told me it'd be this hard having a little one, especially since I manage her alone. Shanimal's Crackers can be difficult at times, like when she has temper tantrums and just won't write for weeks at a time. But I guess I shouldn't expect too much from something this young.

Oh, look, I just so happen to have more milestone pictures of her right here on my laptop (handy, huh?).

Look, it's Bloggy's first words! 

And here are the first words ever spoken to her by a stranger--who didn't even offer her candy! Yay! (Please, next stranger who happens to come upon my blog, offer her candy. I will be the one eating it. On second thought, I'll just take Shanimal's Crackers trick-or-treating). 

Shanimal's Crackers's first finger foods! Mmm! (Sorry about the mess. Shanimal's Crackers was having a bit too much fun with her mozarella stick dip. Am I bad for giving her such a fatty food at such an early age? Naaaaaaw.

Look at Bloggy's fat little cheecks! Ooooh! Goochie-goochie-goo! I just want to pinch them. But I can't. Apparently, pinching is abuse? I don't know. Then Facebook needs to stop poking.

Shanny-Wanny's Cracker-Wackers's first steps!

...and maaaaaaany moooooore!

I'm really not looking forward to her next birthday--

the terrible twos.

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover

What I'm really trying to say is that The Help's cover is blah. Just kind of there and existing...just looking at the cover you're thinking to yourself: Oh, what a nice little sunshiny book with cute little birdies sitting in the warmth of the sun. Isn't life just so great, blah blah blah? And then, BAM--once you starting reading the book it takes a turn so far away from its cover. The book totally takes you by surprise. After reading the book, you're thinking aloud!: This book was the most uh-maz-ing thing I've ever read in my entire life!


Ahem.


I also want to say that I actually, for the first time in my life, participated in the Karaoke Ring of DEATH!
DUN DUN DUN. *Hear a woman shrilling in the background*



Okay, guys, don't worry. That woman shrilling in the background is only doing it because she's so excited to hear me. Oh, nevermind, turns out my sister did stub her toe.


And, no one died, as far as I'm concerned, in the making of their Karaoke Ring of DEATH video. And, if they did, you didn't hear it from me.


Anyways, the theme for this month was to karaoke to a song that's a cover song. If we shouldn't judge a book by its cover should we judge a song by its cover? Hmm, I don't know, you'll have to be the judge of that.

If you just can't wait any longer to hear my horrendous karaoke voice, and you're starting to hyperventilate out of excitement, don't worry, calm down. You can view my video over at Jes's blog, Jes Getting Started...but I'm worried that my singing might make you hyperventilate even more...and for all the wrong reasons. 

For those who didn't dare listen to my video, well, good. Because right here, we have a girl karaoking with a much nicer voice than mine.

Hey, I'm Kanriah from over at One Red Wall. Just as I do every month, I feel I should apologize for my video. Apparently I'm a little... slow cause I couldn't remember that a song that is covered by someone else is called a Cover Song. And a million other things that I am not going to go on about. I'm just special and way too worried about my impression for someone who doesn't usually bother to brush my hair. Though Hey! I totally did this time. So what if it was hours before, I still brushed my hair. I even put on some eye makeup and lip gloss (that was long gone). But I did it. Just for you. You're welcome.

So here I am singing Hurt. I'm doing the Johnny Cash version cause he's fabulous, but this was originally a Nine Inch Nails song. Be sure to check out all the rest of the videos too! Knowing this group of people I'm sure they're all magnificent.

Oh, and if you'd like to listen to other karaokers go at it for the imaginary throne, check out the master list. Oh, and if you'd ever like to participate in this karaokefunnish, here's the person you contact. Oh, and if you'd ever like to give me roses, a standing ovation, or just to blow me kisses, you can do that here.

Life's Hardest Questions Answered

How would you respond to this question: Would you rather fight two hundred two year olds or two hundred chihuahuas?

Hard question, right? Well, this is only one of eight questions I had to answer.

If you would like to view my shrewd sheepish shining answers to some difficult questions, then you should head on over to the lovely Simply Kate's blog. You'll be in for a treat. Literally. Sometimes she has pictures of really yummy-in-my-tummy-looking food on her blog. Well, maybe not literally. Her blog isn't a brownie. But her blog sure is sweet! Figuratively. I haven't licked my monitor, so I don't know what her blog literally tastes like. But go over there anyways, you won't be disappointed--she's fun, cute, and...sweet (it's okay, I can honestly say that--I just licked my screen. But it actually tastes more dusty than anything).

Update: I've decided to post my interview on my blog, too.

1. Tell us about you and your blog. (Not really a question, but go with it)

I’m Shannon and I’m short, shy, and sharp. Please take note that all of these adjectives start with “sh,” and in conjunction, are supposed to help you remember my shrewd sheepish shining name. If these techniques fail your memory, then maybe my blog’s name, Shanimal’s Crackers, will be easier to remember. That name is a bit more creative and only played a tad on words.

Oh, man. Like, really, I don’t know how to describe my blog. But I will tell you the definition of my name. Shannon means “short and wise.” I’m not even making that up. And I will say this fact to anyone I come in contact with because it makes me feel Shpecial.

Back to the non-question at hand, I guess my blog could be considered a “humor” blog, but don’t quote me on that. Yeah, pretend those quotation marks aren’t even in the previous sentence—I’m too lazy to delete them.

2. What is your favorite book?

You know what series I find absolutely hilarious? Don’t laugh—or, go ahead and laugh…just not at me—but I recently read all the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, and those books are pure entertainment. Just my type.

Oh, do I come off sounding unintelligent? Let’s rectify that (dang, I knew I set the bar too high by describing myself as “sharp.” Next time I’ll use the word “shabby.”). I also really like serious books, too: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and The Help.

3. What makes you a nerd?

Well, if loving Diary of a Wimpy Kid doesn’t, then I don’t know what does. Okaaaaaay, fine, I have a list:

-I like lists

-I mainly listen to 90’s music

-I love cats

-I like Michael Jackson jokes

-I like pun jokes

-I am a punctuation/spelling activist

-I am currently listening to “Carol o f the Bells,” by John Williams, from the Home Alone soundtrack

-I collect board games

-I just downloaded Disneyland’s “Main Street’s Electrical Light Parade” song because it reminds me of the electrical light parade, which makes me happy. I liked all the shiny lights…and Disneyland

-I say “hecka”

-I currently reside in Utah. (Joke. Not the part about me living here, but the part about it making me a nerd. I only said that living in Utah makes me a nerd because I know you, Katie, are from here…you can stop laughing at this hilarious joke now…)

-I hang out with my grandma…and enjoy it

-I can’t believe I forgot this, but …I love Mario! (Not to be confused with the singer, I’m talking about the Mario who’s the star of this joke: What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim *say it to the tune of the music from when Mario’s underg round*)

4. You have three hours to live. What do you do?

Cry.

5. Describe the perfect sandwich!

Sharp cheddar cheese and mustard. No joke. I remember being in, like, third grade and my mom had made me a cheese sandwich (mustard is ALWAYS involved, sometimes with chips wedged between the cheese and bread—preferably salt and vinegar…or Fritos…or Doritos…or…Cheetos…or cheddar and sour cream…or…). I was minding my own business, going about taking a bite out of my sandwich, when a classmate asked, “Did your mom forget to melt the cheese?” I was too embarrassed to tell the truth. Well, now I’m not afraid to say it to the entire Internet world: No, the cheese wasn’t ever meant to be melted.

This reminds me: I was at some relatives’ a few years ago. One of my cousins was, like, “I’m hungry. I’m going to have a snack.” Then I saw this:

Melted Cheese on a Plate

Weird. There’s not even mustard (or chips…or bread) to accompany it.

6. What would be your ideal job?

I have no idea. One that I love, where the cash flows in, while I do the minimal amount of work. Let me know if you’ve heard of it.

7. What is the most important thing in your life?

Probably my family.

8. Would you rather fight two hundred two year olds or two hundred chihuahuas?

Either way, it’s not a fair fight. I’d surely win.

Be My Guest, Put My Service to the Test...

I just did something I've never done before.

Nope, skydiving is still on the list of things to do. Along with SCUBA diving. Aaaaand going to Africa. Aaaaaand becoming a renowned photographer for National Geographic.

But I am glad that I am now able to say that I have been a guest blogger. Yep. Let's get this par-tay started, shall we?

Uh, you'll need to head on over to Lauren's awesome blog to read some funny/humorous stories (and mine, if you want). And before you're gettin' jiggy wit it at THAT party, don't forget to pick up some root beer, Freschetta pepperoni pizza, and light bulbs on your way over.

Update: I have since decided to have the guest post I wrote for Lauren on my blog as well. Here it is:

I consider myself to be a pretty honest person.

Mom: Shannon, do you want to do these dishes?

Me: No.

Friend: Shannon, I’d like for you to meet Billy. He’s from California too. Isn’t that cool?

Me: Uh, it’s all right.

Stranger: Hi, how are you?

Me: Sad. My cat’s on her deathbed and I had to take her to the vet. I touched her paw to see if I could get a reaction from her, but she just sat there and purred. Usually she’ll bite my hand to pieces. I’m so worried!

But there is one area in life that I suck at telling the truth: while shopping.

“Did you find everything okay?” asks every bright-eyed cashier as I’m checking out.

“Yeah,” I eagerly say to the person who’s ha ndling my macaroni and cheese and my mint chocolate chip ice cream.

I’ll admit it: 78% of the time, my answer to this simple question is untrue. I am guilty. I am bad.

No, I did not find everything okay.

To me, shopping should be like this:

1. Have your shopping list and pen in hand
2. Scribble each item off into oblivion once fo
   und
3. Place found item in cart (or, as southerners say, buggy—as if you need to cradle your precious Cheetos)
4. On to the next item on the list

***No need to lollygag through the aisles looking at products that “You MUST Have!!!”:

Self-explanatory

Ever wanted to be a kangaroo? Now is your chance!

Anything Twilight

But if a situation presents itself to me where I can’t find the light bulb on my list that I so desperately need, I’m frustrated. I’m impatient. I’m not one to “window shop.”

I don’t like having to make my short legs unnecessarily walk up and down every aisle three times only to continuously be confronted with this:

Food, you're supposed to be my friend! You're supposed to give me comfort when I'm feeling down. You're not supposed to reinforce my feeling of stupidity for not being able to find a light bulb. Jerk.

And, better yet, there are no employees on the floor to ask where the light bulbs are located. So you have to go all the way up to customer service, ask where the light bulbs are, only to be directed in the same location where you were looking for the past ten minutes.

Be prepared to walk up and down each aisle at least three times.

So, a few weeks ago, I found myself once again in this situation: “Did you find everything okay?”

The moment of truth finally came.

Do I tell the truth and nothing but the truth? The answer I give can make or break my integrity…or do I give the answer that the cashier is expecting?

After debating in my head whether or not to tell the cashier if I did actually find everything okay, I came to a conclusion.

I would tell the truth.

“No, not really.”

Feeling victorious in the battle that took place in my mind, I felt a sense of freedom. Feeling confident in knowing that what I said was right, I could only anticipate the kind of response I would get. Would she have me fill out a survey for customer feedback on the quality of the store? Would she give me a deal for the items I was purchasing? Would she confide in me that she, too, can’t find anything in this horribly-laid out store? Would she call her manager over to throw confetti above our heads for being brave enough to say what I had actually experienced? Would she deem me best-EVER customer of the month?

Her grand response:

"Oh,”

as she went on duly scanning my purchases.

I finally found the light bulb in my head—cashiers don’t care how your shopping experience went.

But, hey, even though I had a rough time finding items, I had confidence that at the end of my shopping experience, cashiers are ALWAYS checking me out...and they don't even care if I have Cheetos and Doritos under each arm...or that I'm missing a light bulb.

Myspace Nostalgia

I haven't been on Myspace in forever (sorry, Myspace, but Facebook has kind of been the new "it" thing since it beat you in popularity in 2006 or something. You were cool before you became uncool.) So, I thought I would login to my page and reflect on the good times Myspace and I had together. Apparently, I had written a couple of blog entries on my Myspace blog, so I guess this isn't technically my first time blogging. It was kind of fun to reminisce through my grand total of 2 blog entries:

July 10, 2007 - Tuesday
My Research
Current mood: Lollipop

For the last week I have been doing some serious research, with no grants, nonetheless! I have been observing people doing one of life's most pleasurable acts--eating. Eating, however universally pleasurable it may be, is also very telling of the kind of person the eater is--especially when it comes to hot dogs. Through my observations, one may be able to detect the eater's personality based on the toppings the eater has on his/her hot dog.

What topping you put on your hot dog says about you:

Hot dog with just mustard on it: You like to be the spice of life, or...get this!...you think hot dogs with mustard on it tastes yummy...?

Hot dog with just relish on it: You tend to like the sweeter things in life, or...get this!...you think hot dogs with relish on it tastes wonderful...?

Hot dog with mustard AND ketchup on it: You like everyone to get along. Everyone should be treated equally regardless of race, sex, or height. Why shouldn't red and yellow be able to coexist peacefully?...or, you like the taste of ketchup and mustard blended. Is that a weird observation or what?!

Hot dog with "the works" on it: You have a tough time making decisions and you're one who tries to please everyone. You can't decide which topping you like best, so you throw 'em all on. This act of using all possible choices to go onto your hot dog also satisfies your need to please everyone. You have successfully made every topping feel as if it was wanted or needed. You want everyone to feel welcome, or...get this!...you like to eat hot dogs with the works because it satisfies your taste buds...?

I hope this hot dog observation has been as beneficial to you as it has been to me.

February 11, 2006 - Saturday
You Know You're From Vacaville When...
Current mood: Nunchucks


-You remember when the Nut Tree was a fun, family-oriented place
-Every raised truck you see driving around reads "Nor Cal"
-You take pride in telling people that Vacaville is where the band Papa Roach is from
-Your other claim to fame is you have The Outlets (but don't shop there...often)
-You know at least two people who work at Mary's Pizza Shack, Chili's, or Brenden Theatres
-You have been to the Zodiac Killer's shack
-You don't ever go to the mall because it's too far and Fairfield is hecka scary
-You use the word hecka
-You know Jarrett Bush, of the Green Bay Packers, is from Vacaville (and my bro knew him)
-You remember when Andrew's Park was a whole new concept and The Wooz was SO much fun!
-You've been to Candy Cane Lane at least 3 times every Christmas
-You are afraid of Markham & Brown St.
-You have raced to "Hamburger Hill" for lunch
-The Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony is mandatory at least once in your lifetime
-You know that the Vacaville prison held Charles Manson
-You remember that the-building-that-is-now-a-church on Marshall Road used to be a movie theater
-You remember that the-building-that-is-now-a-church on Orange Drive used to be Galaxy 8, the second theater to be converted into a church

Myspace, thank you for having "blogs" on your site--you have taught me the ways of correct blogging--by writing about dumb stuff. Seriously, thank you. Also, please thank Tom for being my friend on your site. He stuck with me the whole way. What a good guy. Say, how come they're not making a movie about him?? He should be the one having a movie made after him. After all, that dude from Facebook isn't even my friend on Facebook. Lame! Now he has his own movie? What's this world coming to??? Oh, that's right, it's come down to basing people's personality types off of hot dog toppings.

A Whole New World

Well, I did it! I created a BLOG...and on 8/9/10, nonetheless! You know, a few months ago if you had asked me what a blog was, I would've been like, "it...uh...rhymes with log. And dog. And hog. And fog." I would've gotten an F for that answer--because it's so "F"antastic--and it wouldn't have been the first F I've ever received, either. Sad, but I'm just now discovering this whole other world that is known as blogging. And, truth is, I'm not too keen on writing about myself for the whole internet world to see. What made me do it, then? I actually have no freakin' idea. I doubt anyone I personally know will see this (unless I later decide to share the link) but maybe I did create this blog because I'm sooooooo horribly bad at writing in my journal (yes, I am just NOW writing about September 11 in it...only nine years late). So, if you like to randomly read random people's random thoughts and random feelings and random encounters, then you should randomly read this random blog.

PS: I thought it only appropriate to add a random picture to fit this first post.
PPS: Sorry if it scares you.