Crystal Ballers

Do you feel lost? 

Should you change careers?

Is the man you're with treating you good enough? 

 

If you answered yes or no to at least one of these questions, then you're in luck! Call now for a reading over the phone! Yes, you heard that right. Our highly skilled spiritual advisore can tell what's in store for your future...over the phone. Over the phone! You know what that means, don't you? Of course you don't, you're not gifted in the same way we are. It means that good days are ahead for you! Oops, did we say too much? Call now! We know you'll be happy you did.

First time callers, call now to be charged only $3/minute. All regular callers, your rate is still $10/minute, but know we love you. You provide us with a paycheck. We're only taking advantage of you because we know you'll continue to call. We can we say, we're psychics. 

Probably from the Psychics' Perspectives

"These psychic commercials make us look so sleazy...don't you think, Pixie?"

"Ha, listen to this one, Jezebel. I got a guy on hold who wants to know what he should do about his relationship with his girlfriend."

"Why do people call us with their lives in our hands?" Jezebel thought aloud, as she often did.

"Oooooh, quiet, quiet, Brad is about to give the rose to Emily! Eeee! Turn the sound up, would ya?" Pixie demanded, as she often did.

"If I were going to, wouldn't you already know?"

"Ha. Ha. Funny, Jez. Now shut up, I want to hear if Emily is going to accept the rose!"

::2 minutes later::

"Uh, Pixie, isn't that guy still on hold?" Jez inquired.

"Oh, shoot! Wait, no, wait, it's okay. He's only been on hold for three minutes. We're piling in the Benjamins. Now stop munching on those Cheetos so loudly, would ya? I need to act like I'm in a secluded area and he shouldn't hear your loud mouth chomping in the background. That means turn off your dang cell phone and don't talk to Bud while I'm dealing with this customer, and mute the TV. Do you think you can handle that?"

"I think you already know the answer."

Pixie cleared her throat as if she were competing in the most-authoritative-person-alive contest.

"Hello, Sir, this is Pixie speaking. Thank you for holding as I was receiving divine inspiration about your specific case."

"Oh, thanks, Pixie. Like I was saying, I've been having problems with my girlfriend. I think she thinks that I'm not paying enough attention to her. What should I do?"

"Well, Sir, is it okay if I call you Timmy?"

"How'd you know Timmy was my name?"

"The letters T and I and M and Y just appeared," Pixie responded as she checked the caller ID from the phone's screen.

"Wow, you really are in tuned."

"Hahaha, Timmy, you could probably be one, too, for making a statement like that. But, listen, like I was saying, Timmy, I'm feeling as if you and your girlfriend are feeling a sort of tension in the relationship...and...um..." Pixie shifted in her La-Z Boy recliner.

"Yeah, yeah. That's right," Timmy confirmed.

"Will you please hold? I'm receiving some sort of inspiration. This may take a minute."

"Sure," was all Timmy could say.

"Come on, Pixie, don't you think it's a little rude to put him on hold just to eat?" Jezebel was getting sick of watching TV in the mute.

"Jez, I told him I'm receiving inspiration...and I wasn't lying. My stomach was telling me it's hungry--and if that's not inspiration, then I don't know what is." Pixie actually answered, as she took a bite of her delectable Dove chocolate.

"Thanks for holding, Timmy. So you and your current girlfriend have been going through some rifts. And you're worried about what's in your relationship's future. Is this correct?"

"Yes."

"Of course. Well, Timmy, it was manifested to me that you need to give your girlfriend a gift. Not just any gift, though. You need to let her know that you care for her. I get the feeling that right now you're having problems because she is feeling as though the romance has dwindled."

"Uh huh."

"Am I right so far?"

"I mean, I guess. She has told me over a year ago that she likes it when I give her attention. Do you think that's what's missing?"

"Of course. That's what I'm feeling. Oh, what's this? Hold on, wait. I'm starting to feel something more. Will you hold, Timmy?"

"Yeah."

"This is too easy. This guy's falling for anything I say," Pixie shared the obvious with Jez.

Jezebal nodded her matted head in agreement as she munched slowly on a Cheeto, then wiped her finger clean of the orange powder on the lower edge of her Cheeto-stained pink tank top.

"You know," Jezebal turned her head from the screeching sound coming from the Sham Wow commercial that plastered the TV screen, "I was thinking. Those producers of The Bachelor really do have it right. If I were on that show, I'd love to receive a rose from the man of my dreams. Isn't that just so romantic?"

"Quiet, Jez. I'm thinking."

A minute passes.

"Hi, Timmy. I received a revelation. Are you ready for what I'm about to tell you? Because, I know that this is the solution to your problems with your girlfriend...for now."

"Yeah! I'm ready!"

"You should give your girlfriend a single-stemmed red rose. Single-stemmed because it's symbolizing that your girlfriend is the only woman in your life. She is your one and only. Red indicates passion. By giving her a red rose, you are essentially stating to her that you care for her. You are the man in her life, and she is the woman in your life. Right now she's probably feeling as if she's not receiving as much attention from you as she'd like. The rose's thorns represent that there may be some sharp disagreements, and other hurtful events in the relationship, but that your relationship has of yet to fully blossom. By giving her the rose, you're showing her that you do value her and that she can never be replaced. "

"Oh, wow. Thanks. I'll be sure to do that. You may have just saved my relationship."

"Okay, is there anything that I can further assist you with?"

"I think you just helped what matters most in my life! That's it."

"You're welcome, Timmy. May you be blessed with with positive energy in the near future, and with your girlfriend."

Pixie clicked the "end" button and killed the phone call. At that moment, a dancing backwards-robe-wearing woman was reflecting a blue blur all along the wall across from the TV. 

"But wait, there's more! When you order a Snuggie, you'll also receive a cheap, plastic booklight that'll last for two days max! A $23 value...for FREE! Hurry, this deal ends in two years!" The overenthusiastic male voice boomed.

"I love my job, Jezebel. These clients are so easy to manipulate. They're so dumb," Pixie informed Jezebel.

"You know, Pixie, I think I need a Snuggie," Jezebel ignored Pixie, for once.
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From My Perspective

"I just got off the phone with a psychic." You could tell that Timmy was proud of his first-ever talk with the omniscient.

"What'd they say?" I asked older brother, whom I looked up to, with curiosity beaming from my bulging brown eyes.

"That I need to give my girlfriend a single-stemmed red rose, and it'll help to heal our relationship."

"...but you don't even have a girlfriend," I reiterate.

"I know. Those psychics are so easy to manipulate. They're so dumb," Timmy established.

"They're just psychics, you know?"

The Ninth Thing in Common

"What?!" This was only my third time in a row repeating this question.

"I said what song is this?!" He yelled at me from 3 inches away.

"Oh, this is Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus!" I yelled back him, who was a mere 3 inches from my face.

"Who's that?!"

"Some stupid Disney girl!" I had to yell so that my new guy friend and I would be able to hear each other over the screaming girls who jumped in excitement over the tween song.

"I think all the Disney girls should be punched!"

"Yeah, I agree! Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus...!" Wouldn't it be nice to slap these girls back to reality?

Okay, so this guy and I were getting along great. We seemed to have at least one thing in common: we didn't know how to bridle our innate rage other than wanting to slap millionaire girls who possessed no talent.

Now, usually, for this type of deep conversation, I would have preferred to have been in a nice, quiet restaurant that has candlelit table tops, cloth napkins that go on your lap, where the servers are anxious to bring you four bowls of Fagioli soup, without muttering to themselves, "Dang, this girl's eating like this in front of a guy?!" Where bread sticks come and go at your request. Where you can take a tour of Italy just by ordering The Tour of Italy. This place is known as Olive Garden. However, the pounding dance floor that was full of guys and girls jumping to a Miley Cyrus song would have to suffice as a place where he and I could talk openly about anything and everything. It would only be right--after all, I only met him an hour ago, right in this very spot, and we needed to be loyal to our roots. Plus, uh, we had both come with a ride.

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on

A slow song interrupted our unbridled topic of conversation about how all Disney girls turn out messed up.

"Do you wanna dance?"He said with his hand making its way toward mine. This intriguing guy wants to touch my hand?! I think I may or may not have had a heart attack at that moment.

"Uh, sure." I shrug. "But I don't know how to dance." Play it cool, Shannon, play it cool.

"It's okay. I don't either." We're meant for each other!

Second thing in common.

"You know, I have never seen all of Titanic," he remarked as he swayed me back and forth to the non-Disney girl song.

"I fell asleep in it. I also fell asleep in all three Lord of the Rings movies." Yeah, I know, I know, I have pure talent for the ability to make myself sound interesting.

"Really?! You should watch them again. I read all of those books." Glad I didn't tell him that I also fell asleep in Sherlock Holmes, Avatar, and Invictus.

"I tried reading The Hobbit but couldn't make it past the first chapter." I sure do know how to impress a guy.

"You're not one of those girls who has read Twilight, right?" What kind of girl did he think I was?!

"Um, no. I have never laid a finger on that book and never will."

"Good, but knowing that the author of that book graduated from BYU makes me feel a little embarrassed."

"You know, the makers of Napoleon Dynamite also attended BYU. And I hate that movie. You don't like it, do you?" Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.

"Well, it was funny the first time. Then it got annoying." He saved himself with that last sentence.

"No, it's always been annoying."

Third thing in common.

By this point I couldn't believe it. Was I actually talking to my soul mate? This guy and I seemed to have very similar tastes. Or...at least three things in common!

The fourth thing we shared in common was our love for Seinfeld.

"The only dance I know is The Elaine," I admitted to him. My secret was out.

I then proceeded to stick my fat thumbs up and do little kicks (with my little legs). And, I admit, I had never felt this comfortable in a guy's presence before. I mean, sure, I always make a fool of myself in a guy's presence, but this time was special. Let me rephrase that; I always make a fool of myself in a guy's presence, but this time was special, for it wasn't on accident.

"I also like The Carlton dance," I admit, "but I can't do it."

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is awesome!"

Fifth thing in common. Is this guy perfect for me or what?

"Oh, hey, do you remember the head-banging dance move from A Night at the Roxbury?" He asks me.

"Heck yeah, I do!"

Our sixth thing in common. Aww.

"Okay, well, I'm going to go add that song to the request list. Is the song called What is Love?"

"Yeah, it's by Haddaway."

Is this guy perfect for me or is he perfect for me?

Shake Your Head Yes.

I decided to make this song our song, "...but if they play this song, I don't think anyone here will get the head-bopping reference, except me and you." Yes, I know. I'm a romantic.

For the hour and a half that this guy and I spent talking to each other, I had gotten him to dance, which, when I had first spoken to him, he made it clear that he doesn't dance. I had gotten this guy to open up to me. We were able to connect in some way. Some way that I'd never experienced before.

"Hey, I'm going to go get some water," he told me.

"Oh, I like water!" Seventh thing in common.

As we were having our water cooler chat, he admitted two things to me.

One: "My ride's leaving in a couple of minutes. But I think you're cool and fun. We should stay in touch." Our eighth thing we had in common...because I felt the same way. I think I'm cool and fun.

and

it's really too bad for me that we shared one last, very important ninth common interest: we were both attracted to guys.

I guess I don't need to tell you that the DJ never did play What is Love, but it would've been nice to hear the answer.

Thumbelina

"I'm leaving my girlfriend," the rosy cheeked boy whispered in my ear during a lovey-dovey musical scene--obviously trying to replicate Disney--from the movie, Thumbelina.

I droop my mouth in an exaggerated look of shock. "Why?"

 "For you."

I usually don't make good first impressions, but today goes to show that unfortunate circumstances can change.

"You're small like Thumbelina," he smiles at me with those deep-set baby blue eyes of his. I know that his now ex-"girlfriend" was the woman who worked as the office secretary...who was also old enough to be his grandma. I get it, he's hitting the stage now where he's becoming more attracted to younger women. Who are also around his height.

I had only known this new boy for four hours before he told me I was his new girlfriend. Who did this guy think he was, trying to win me over with these expedient compliments? But boy, I have to admit--he sure knew how to sweep a girl off her feet.

Flattery soon hazed my judgment. I couldn't hold any of this new-found knowledge in anymore. I needed to tell everyone thes words of admiration that this boy had just revealed to me.

"...so he told me he's leaving Pam for me," my face beams as my dry, chapped lips curl naturally into smile formation.

"Oh, well that's interesting," my boss enlightened me.

"Oh...?" I acknowledge, as I try to make the carpet clutter-free of Legos.

"Because today he told me that I was his new girlfriend." I didn't think it was supposed to start raining until tomorrow, but this snippet of news from my boss sure dampened my parade. She continued, "Yeah, these were his exact words: I'm leaving my girlfriend for you." She said this as she scrubbed markers from the wall. How could she act as if this was a typical thing to be told?

"Oooooooh," was all I managed to muster. "B-b-but that's exactly what he told me!" I exclaimed with a genuine look of shock plastering my face, I'm sure.

"Then he said..." my boss remarked as she had one of the other eight year olds go over and blow his nose, "since we're boyfriend and girlfriend now, we need to go hot-tubbing." She continued to make the classroom more presentable for the baby shower that was scheduled to be held in her honor in half and hour.

My life of perfection, if only for 20 minutes, came to a halt. My man, at the grand age of eight, is already wanting to hot-tub with another woman (married, nonetheless) whose first child is due next month.

There's a fairy in this story. Here's a hint: it's not me...or Thumbelina.

Fairy tales don't really exist...but fairies do.

What Kind of Animal Would I Be?

What does a frog,

a fish,

and a cat


all have in common (besides being super adorable)?

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According to my sister, I look like all of the above. Or vice versa. I guess it's because they have big cheeks, and huge eyes are so lovable and cute. Aww, thanks!

But, what am I supposed to say if a potential date asked me if I could be any animal, what would I be AND why?

Would I say, "I would be a dog because I'm man's best friend"? Nuh uh, cliché.


Would I say, "I would be a cat because I can sit on your lap and purr"? Uh, no.


Would I say, "I would be a chameleon because they have big, bulging eyes...just my style I can adapt to any surrounding"? Yes. And I did say it...

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...in front of a group of 50, while on stage competing in a dating game, one of three girls left competing for a blind-folded guy's heart. Do you think my chameleon answer won him over?

If you say "yes" then move on to item #1
If you say "no" then move on to item #2

1. I love you! You're the best. However, as much as you and I both know he should've been smitten by my answer, reality is...he wasn't. Move on to the next question.
2. Hi. You're a good guesser. And this answer is correct. It was just luck on your part, though. Move on to the next question.

Next question:

Who do you think his ideal girl was--the dog or cat?

If you say "dog" then move on to item #3
If you say "cat" then move on to item #4

3. Doggonit, how'd you get that right? That was supposed to be a trick question. Either you guessed (I'm sure of it) or you used this logic: D.O.G.=Daughter of God. Definitely a good trait. After all, a few months ago when I asked my brother about this one girl who had a crush on him, he said, "Well, she's uh...a daughter of God." Move on to the next question.
4. You're almost right. Not quite. Although everyone (I) knows you should be right. Everyone (cat ladies) knows cats are better than dogs, they're only second to chameleons. Move on to the next question.

Next question:

Do you think the dog-girl and blind-folded guy were a good pair?

If you say "yes" then move on to item #5
If you say "no," then you're right. Move on to the next question.

5. Dogs and blind-folded people don't go together. Well, unless you're LOOKING to be guided. But, I don't think this bozo guy was. I think he was just looking for an ordinary girl with ordinary answers to be "man's best friend," if you know what I mean. Move on to the next question.

Next question:

What kind of animal would I describe this blind-folded dude as?

If you say "Your mom" then you're totally off base.
If you say "a dumb

then you'd be correct.

Happy S.A.D.!

Happy S.A.D.!

(Singles
Awareness
Day)

All the single ladies,

all the single ladies

If you don't like it

then you should get on the Internet

Wha-oh-oh-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Wha-oh-oh-oh-oh-ooh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Ladies, are you tired of being alone on Valentine's Day with no one except your teddy bear, Freckles, to cuddle? Exhausted of eating at your candlelit table set for two only to gaze across your nice china into the deep chocolate-mousse-colored eyes of...Freckles? Tired of snuggling under a blanket with your good friends, Ben and Jerry, to watch You've Got Mail with Freckles clinging at your side? Exhausted of receiving a dozen red roses unexpectedly at work with the note "Can't bear to be without you" only to discover the note's in Freckle's handwriting?

Freckles the Bear

If you're suffering from any of these symptoms, don't worry. There IS help. Now introducing the solution to all your problems: Internet dating!! Satisfaction 35% guaranteed! Within minutes of joining, you'll have intelligent, dashing, funny-as-heck guys knocking on the door to your heart.

A personal message from one of our satisfied customers (we'll call her Sheltered Shan):

Girls, you don't have to feel alone anymore! Internet dating DOES work. Within 3 minutes of joining, I had a boyfriend. A real guy who wanted to date me. Not some guy in a freckled bear costume who stalks me via Facebook.

I have even saved our very first words spoken to each other over the Internet so that it can go into my scrapbook of how he and I first met!! :) :)

My-Soon-to-be-Boyfriend: hi want to date?

Me: Heck yeah!! Where have you been all my life?

My-Now-Boyfriend (See, isn't it easy?! Yay!): here in utah lets do something its friday :)

Me: You're right, it is Friday--I'm glad you know the days of the week. Look, I've already found a smart one!!! Before we meet, though, I have certain questions that need to be answered:

1. What are your feelings on the World of Warcraft?

2. Would you be willing to teach me how to play the guitar?

3. Are you weird? (If you answer yes, it doesn't necessarily rule you out, but I need to be prepared.) Asking him directly if he's weird is a good way to make sure that he isn't weird. But I'm already so in love by this point, that I don't care if he answers yes.

My-Ever-So-Endearing-Boyfriend: I have played guitar for 6 years and give lessons He's suuuuper talented!!!!! :), I could get you started this week, never played world of warcraft, and im wierd but would love to give you lessons i charge 10 bucks a lesson I don't even care that he isn't using punctuation, or that he spelled "wierd" wrong. And why should I?

Me: What? No lesson discount?

So give me an example of how you're weird. There are many different variations of being weird, like weird weird, cool weird, geek weird, Twilight weird, or socially awkward.

I'm glad you haven't played World of Warcraft. I haven't either. Aww, look, we already have things in common!

The-Man-I'm-Probably-Going-to-Marry: thats 10 bucks a hour guitar lessons from private people is more for a half a hour Aww, would you look at that? He's sharing his talent at such a low cost--he's charitable and giving!, not to weird, just like to have fun you want to have a lesson monday?

Me: I don't currently own a guitar. I was seriously considering getting one to take lessons, though.

When you first messaged me "hi want to date," were you breaking the ice or did you really think a girl would just respond with yes and then you were dating? I need to know if it was love at first sight for him as it was for me!

My-Man: were over im breaking up with you. Learn how to play guitar though, if you ever need a teacher you know where to find me

Me-in-a-Pool-of-Tears-Barely-Able-to-Cope-Trying-to-See-Past-the-Salty-Fluid-Flowing-Onto-My-Cheeks: Do you think it would be weird to give lessons to your ex? I could see how that could potentially be really awkward.

-----------------

Okay, girls, isn't this a wonderful example of how to get a boyfriend in time for your candlelit table that's already set for two (just overlook the part where we broke up, please)?

Here's a hint to a successful Internet relationship: if you meet him in person right off the bat before chatting to him online first, you're bound not to be broken up within 8 minutes. Also, don't ask him questions before meeting. This tends to scare him away. That's why I didn't end up marrying the love of my life. Follow these simple steps and you're bound to get the guaranteed results: snuggling up under a blanket with a real man, not your besties Ben and Jerry...or Freckles.

Love bunches over the Internet,

Sheltered Shan

WARNING: Side effects may include: lying, upset stomachs, stalking, earaches, and weirdos.

Note: The above dialogue is an actual conversation (and the whole entire conversation, nonetheless...yes, it started with "hi want to date?") that a friend and I had with some dude online. Please don't try this at home--unless you take precautions, or just want a laugh.

A Good Listener

A good listener is someone you can talk to because they are actually listening to what you are saying. Supposedly, "good listeners" give auditory feedback to let you know they're listening, but with Belinda, I don't even have to worry that I'm not receiving the auditory feedback. If I'm in the middle of talking, I'm not listening for her Mmm-hmms, I sees, or Yeah, I understands...because I can plainly see from her face that she is, in fact, listening.

I mean, if I tell her my infamous Michael Jackson joke, I'm sensing the shock she's feeling--based on her facial expresion. (And, yeah, I would prefer a shocked reaction over no reaction...)

If I told her that the song isn't really called Like a Cheese Stick, she's displaying the surprised look. Thank goodness there's one other person out there, besides me, who thought that's what the lyrics really were! Otherwise, I would've felt like an idiot...

If I told her that my grandma got a high rating on HotorNot.com, once again, I'm getting the expression of unbelievable...but honestly, I don't know why she would find it unbelievable that my grandma got a high rating. I mean, it's pretty obvious Gram's a "looker."

If I told her that The Office plans to continue without Steve Carrell, I would get the impression that she's completely stunned (like the rest of us).

But what really wins me over is when I talk to Belinda about guys (or lack thereof). I can say, "Yeah, I haven't been asked out on a date in eight years," and she has an expression written all over her face that gives me a boost of self-confidence--she looks astounded. And really, that makes me feel good. It lets me know that even she can't believe I haven't been asked out and she too, is thinking, What's wrong with these guys? I can even say to her, "Oh, I don't think he likes me like that," and she'll look just as surprised. She doesn't need to say, "Shannon, you're wrong, he really does like you like that," because I can just read her face and it tells me more than any words ever could.

And this, my friends, is why I like talking to Belinda...because she always looks so interested and surprised at what I have to say.

The Infamous Michael Jackson Joke

Okay, so many of you might not have found the previous post's joke funny...and that's okay...as long as you at least gave me a sympathy laugh. I don't find a lot of jokes funny. But, I did happen to find one joke really funny, oh, seven or so years ago. And now I shall share with you the really funny joke--on one condition: it's wrapped within a story. Are you ready for a bedtime story? Okay, it's called: The Infamous Shannon-Joke-That-Fell-Flat Story. Ready? Go!

It was the night of my best friend's 18th birthday and as a gift, her mom set her up on a date with this guy she had really liked for, like, four years. My friend knew that she was being set up on a date, but she didn't know who it was with. She had no idea it was her crush. When my friend was in her room getting ready, the crush came over with a bouqet of flowers in hand waiting in the family room to surprise her. My friend comes out of her room and who does she see? Her dream man with flowers, nonetheless. What a glorious evening for her!

It wasn't just any date, but a group "date". "Date" because there were five people, three girls and two boys. Obviously there was an odd girl out. That person was probably me--I'm always the odd one. The only person I knew on this group thing was my best friend. The others invited to the group thing were the guy she had a crush on, the guy she had a crush on's cousin, and my best friend's friend. We were invited to go for a limo ride around Sacramento! We were in the limo deciding where to go, and trying to fill the limo with conversation as we made our way to the decided destinations. Since I only knew my friend and am not good at talking in groups (especially to people I don't know), I really didn't have much to say. I couldn't ask my BFF what it's like being in the same limo as her crush because, hello, he's right there. In fact, there didn't seem to be a lot of conversation going on. The whole limo ride is filled with all these strangers trying to make small talk with one another...

"So...happy birthday!"
"Shannon, you've already told me that five times..."
Silence.
Someone else says, "I've never been in a limo before."
"Yeah, me neither..."
Silence.
"Limos are cool."
"Yeah."

You know, that kind of talking.

"Why don't we put on some music?" Someone suggests.
"Okay."

Billie Jean can now be heard playing softly in the background of my friend's thumping heart. Hello, if you were in the same car as the guy you've liked for four years and now were officially on a date with him, you'd be nervous/excited too! Well, this Billie Jean song I faintly hear gives me an epiphany! I know! Why don't I share that Michael Jackson joke with everyone that I had only heard a few days earlier? Great idea, Shannon. I imagine patting myself on the back. Oooh, I'll be the funny person in the car. Get them all to laugh. Then my friend and her crush can start talking about how funny the joke is and branch off of that into different topics, and then, voila! They'll be talking about marriage. Okay, so maybe I wasn't really thinking like that. Rather, I was probably like, Hmm...let's see if this joke can fill the silence with a little laughter for maybe a couple of seconds. I was decided. I was going to share this hecka funny joke.

I pronounce, "Why does Michael Jackson like to shop at K-Mart?" All eyes on me. This is my moment to turn the car ride around into something where the nervousness has eased, and the ice has been broken.

"Because the boys' pants are half off!"

It was sooooo silent that you could hear a pin drop...or just hear the lyrics "People always told me be careful of what you do...". Not the reaction (or lack thereof) that I had expected. Not only was the limo even more silent than before, but now I was probably labeled as the-girl-who-tells-dumb-jokes-that-no-one-laughs-at to these three strangers. Not even a sympathy laugh. Not one. All I ask is that you at least give me a fake laugh. Is that really too much?

I couldn't figure it out. I had found that joke funny enough that I decided to share it with these new people. I would be doing them a favor if they had found it funny. Then they could share it with their families. And then their families could share it with friends. It'd be like pay it forward.

After enjoying our time playing arcades at Sunsplash and eating ice cream at Leatherby's, we made our way home. I asked my friend why no one laughed at the joke. Apparently her crush was a HUGE Michael Jackson fan and didn't much appreciate the joke. And I guess everyone (but me) knew that he loved MJ. Needless to say, the next time I'm in a limo driving around Sacramento with four other people, three of which I don't know, and no one's talking, I've learned my lesson to never tell a Michael Jackson joke because then the joke will be on me. And there still won't be laughter.

Next time you hear a joke from me that you don't find agreeable, just give me a tiny laugh, or even a smile, sit me down, put your hand on my shoulder, look at me with empathetic eyes and simply say, "Shannon, I'm sorry, but that's another Michael Jackson joke." And I will totally understand...it will mean you'd rather hear an infamous dumb blond joke...

Speed Dating

I'm not someone who possesses any kind of special power (unless you count being able to dribble a basketball through your 6'0" opponent's legs some kind of special power) so I can't foresee the future. So, when I posted The Shining...Uh, I Mean the Shiner, little did I know that I would have 16 dates since then. And, one of them happened to be a hot date, too!

This is true. Strange, I know. Well, actually, I've had about 16 dates within the past two weeks. Seriously, what's going on here, Shannon? To make this even stranger, I went on like, 15 dates last night!

It's called speed dating, people. And I met some interesting people.

So, basically, this speed dating thing turned out to be like you've been on a bunch of blind dates (4 minutes each) with people you don't really have anything in common with. Sounds like the blind date I went on the week before...oh, except that guy and I had one similarity: our height (or lack thereof).

Rock On--this is the name of one of the guys I met. Seriously. Except that his last name isn't spelled exactly like that, but he said that his name is pronounced like Rock On. I told him his parents must have a sense of humor. I think he agreed. I think.

Another guy drew pictures to describe himself and what he likes to do. On the paper, he drew a basketball, pizza, a girl, a quote bubble from the girl's mouth--because she's flirting with him, and BYU.

Our conversation went like this:

Him: ...and then I drew this girl because I like women, ladies, girls, females. But I like everyone. I like guys too.
Me: Well, you probably shouldn't go around telling girls who you just met that you like men.
Him: I'm just saying that I like everyone.
Me: I know. But you still probably shouldn't go around telling girls that you like men...or boys.

...not that there's anything wrong with that.

By the time I had that conversation, we were maybe 45 minutes into the whole process, and I was trying to make conversations interesting...to make a general statement that you like everyone, you can expect comebacks. I could've gone a different route with, Oh, so do you think you would've been friends with Hitler? Or, very simply, I could've just smiled and said, That's so cool! I probably shouldn't have joked with him like that, because I don't think he got that I was joking. Oh well. It only lasted 4 minutes for him.

Towards the end, I started talking to people who I had common interests with, though.

With one guy I talked about PaperBoy and Bubble Bobble for the original Nintendo. That was cool.













With another guy I quoted Dumb and Dumber. We then talked about Seinfeld and Pee Wee's Big Adventure. That was cool.

Another guy told me there were around 500 Star Trek books. He wouldn't tell me how many HE owned, though. That was cool, because really, I don't want to know.

Towards the very end of the thing, after talking to different guys about the same dull subjects:

• Are you in school or working?
• What's your major?
• Where are you originally from?
• What are your hobbies?
• Do you like cheese?

it was this one guy's turn to talk to me. He told me he was so sick of making small talk that he just wanted to demolish the building where this speed dating event was being held. Naturally, I went along with the subject. I would rather hear how other people think than talk about myself the whole time. Wanting to know how he'd demolish the building I ask How would you do it? Start a fire, bomb it? (Spoiler Alert: THIS is the hot date) He went on to tell me that he'd crawl through the vent and have his bird fly throughout the vents and drop bombs in various places. Then, he'd have a dog come in through the building with bombs strapped to it. And, would there be anyone in the building while you blew it up? No. In conclusion, I guess he's a good person...unless the dog or bird were killed in the process. The building we were in was a church, though. If he blew up the church, then he'd actually be killing the Spirit and that's (probably) worse than killing a person, probably. But then again, for killing the Spirit you don't get life in prison. How's that for small talk on a first "date"? After explaining to me how he'd blow up the church he then asked me, Don't you think that's a funny story? Well, I think it's a funny story now. I'm sure when I read about this ten years from now I'll just think, man, I met some interesting people through speed dating.

...not that there's anything wrong with that. Really.

So, speed dating can be interesting. Or interesting. Rock on, speed daters, rock on.