I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Happy Feet's Replacement

After learning a ton from this article, I've come to the conclusion that I have mostly healthy (and happy) feet. Oh, and that I'm pretty healthy, too. Pshh, I only experience one of those symptoms listed in 18 Things Your Feet Say About Your Health. One. Out of 18. That means I'm ONLY 5.55% messed up. Therefore, I'm declaring myself to be the new happy feet spokesperson. How do you like my slogan:

Forget gellin' like a felon,
how about gettin' jiggy wit it
like a midget?

Let's see here, 100-5.55=94.45. I'm 94.45% good, people! I think this means that when I was in elementary school and on crutches, and a girl started a rumor to her class that I was faking the whole "having bad feet" thing, she was right. I guess I really didn't have feet problems! What joyous news that I've only just uncovered.

Now that I've realized how happy and healthy my feet are, I can't help but wonder if I only had 6 foot surgeries because the podiatrist has a foot fetish and just wanted alone time--with my feet--while I laid unconscious on the operating table for seven hours each time. Hmm. If that's the case, it's not any of my business, really.

Man, I'm starting to think deeply now. Are articles supposed to make you reflect on past experiences in your life?

As I reflect on my numerous surgeries, I'm now starting to wonder why I had that grueling back surgery that left me in a back brace for months--the same surgery that stunted my ability to grow taller. I could've been 5'4". 5'4"! Life changing.

Do you think that back specialist just wanted alone time to sneak a peek at my feet, too (rush Shannon to the operating table!...eh, let's knock her out for 8 hours this time)? I don't care. He could've messed with my feet and I wouldn't have known the difference. My feet already look like Fred Flintstone's feet--how much more could they get screwed up? Oh, that's right, they got screwed up on my fourth surgery when many screws and pins were meticulously placed inside each of my feet, only to have the screws removed from one foot on my sixth surgery.

At least I was able to write a fifth grade award-winning autobiographical incident about my back surgery. I guess my teacher loved reading about me being under the influence of anesthesia, all the while using my bunny stuffed animal to play Peek-a-Boo with the doctors and nurses. The darndest things those kids do.

...but I didn't have the foot surgeries for nothing! I have actually benefited from these apparently not-needed surgeries, believe it or not. Without them, how in the world would I be privileged enough to park in a handicapped spot for sixth months (besides stealing my grandma's sign...which I don't do...)? How else would I be able to go through the exits of Disneyland rides--waiting 5 minutes instead of 90--without having a wheelchair? How else could I have the excuse to race my grandma in one of those motorized carts at Wal-Mart? If you look helpless, remember, people are scared to approach you and tell you NOT to be doing something (Excuse me, ma'am, but you probably shouldn't be going more than 5 miles per hour on that wheelchair. You might hit someone. [Reminder to self: NEVER let Grandma drive a motorized cart in Disneyland again]). And, lastly, how in the heck would I be able to get out of mowing the lawn for 2 weeks?

Do you think that girl dressed as a nerd at that last Halloween dance, who complimented me on my feet, rather than my costume ("I just want to tell you that you have the cutest feet!") was really telling me that my feet look healthy, and therefore, happy?

My Frankenstein foot.

I wonder.


  1. Hello! That was very Interesting to read!


    Have a Great Tuesday!

  2. Yeesh! You've been through it! Now I feel guilty for crying and screaming this morning over my stupid wireless connection and netbook bluescreening issues.
    New blog hop follower
    Sweet T Makes Three
    Networked Blogs

  3. I have cold feet and old shoes. My feet are clearly not as happy as yours. But, Ouch! - said in sympathy for all of those miserable surgeries.

  4. ugh, that sounds painful - all of it! Glad you got some awards out of those experiences. Definitely someone who can turn lemons into lemonade. Thanks for following - now following you

  5. My fear is that I'll have to have some foot surgery. I have a thing about feet and it would freak me out. I'd rather be amputated than have funky feet. True story.

  6. That is so funny! I am tagging you for the "7 Facts Award". If you would like to check it out and participate, you can go here:


    Talk to you soon! :-)


  7. Admit it - you always knew those sexy, sexy feet of yours would get you into nothing but trouble!

  8. Matt, that Happy Feet video made me...happy? :)

    Jenn, don't feel guilty. I also cry over wireless connections.

    Robyn, ha, thank you. I haven't had a surgery for four years now? It's all good.

    TV, I don't necessarily turn lemons into lemonade. Rather, I use the lemons to squirt into the eyes of my enemies...

    Sara, that's sad. Then you couldn't walk! Actually, come to think of it, I liked being pushed around in a wheel chair.

    Melissa, I accepted the award. I'm honored. I'm also astonished that you think the pain I went through is "so funny!" Juuuuust kidding.

    Tattytiara, HEEEEECKA funny!

  9. So what was the surgery FOR? Did I miss this?

  10. This is a funny read. I guess you had tons of humor in your body rather than thinking your Frankenstein foot.
    Actually your not alone to undergo surgeries. Since birth, I had this nasal problem which gives me a breath problem but last year Plastic surgeon Los Angeles gives me a better start.

  11. Thank you for reading my blog. It feels good that some one who writes about cool things shares my feelings about high heels. Frankeinstein's foot seems so pianful.

  12. Oh how I adore your writing style.

    New follower.


  13. Oh Shanimal's Crackers, you crack me up. You're probably right about the surgeons wanting alone time with your feet (they call that foot fetishism, foot partialism, foot worship, or podophilia).

    I only wish I could feel the same way about my feet. I have the most unsatisfactory feet out of anyone I know (I mean just look at them...the size of my toes are all out of whack! Not even in descending order like most people...am I missing a chromosome??) But that's okay. As long as I don't have a tuft of fur on the top, Ben can live with it.


Thank you for reading and have yourself a great day. Or night. Whatever.


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