I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Short and Sweet...Not.

"What's with the age gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? Did you ever notice they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you the ticket, she's ten. Then there's the guy who rips the ticket, he's one hundred and two. So, what happened in the middle, there? You couldn't find anybody? It's like they want to show you how life comes full circle. You're fifteen, you sell the tickets. Then you leave, you go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren, eighty years later, you're back in the same theater three feet away. Ripping tickets. Took you eighty years to move three feet."-Jerry Seinfeld

I worked at a movie theater for almost four years, and while I worked there, customers would comment that they didn't know I could legally work there, since I looked 12. But, I've been told that it's good to look young because then when you're old you'll still look young. I secretly think that whoever's telling me this just says it so that I can feel okay about not looking my age. Who's to say what 24.92 years looks like, anyway?

Okay, let's name off reasons why it's good to look young at my age:

-you can still go trick-or-treating on Halloween without being questioned
-you can still order off the kids meal in restaurants (for those 12 and under only)
-if you're in college, all the other students will point at you and whisper to their friends how you must be a child prodigy who graduated from high school five years early
-you can see PG movies without people wondering why you'd rather see Finding Nemo than The Matrix
-you can live with your parents without anyone questioning it

Okay, now let's name off reasons why it's bad to look young at my age:

-you can still go trick-or-treating on Halloween without question...but you go alone because your friends are all too mature-looking
-you can still order off the kids meal in restaurants (for those 12 and under only)...but when you're on a date with a guy you like, the waitress reports him to authorities for being a pedophile...
-you work at an elementary school like I do, and the principal sees you walking down the hall and asks if you have a hall pass to use the bathroom
-you can see PG-13 movies...but the ticket seller will have to have your guardian's permission before selling you the ticket
-when at a stoplight, the driver in the car over stares at you with their cellphone in hand taking down your license plate number ready to report a stolen vehicle--much like this video

Not only do I have a baby face, but it's kind of a double whammy because I am also short.

Okay, let's name off reasons why it's good to be short:
-you can date any guy without worrying that he'll be shorter than you
-on a plane you can stretch your legs out in coach as if you're in first class
-you have a head rest at the movie theater, while normally, people have to sink into their chair to not block the view of the people behind 'em
-you can be on a soap opera
-you don't have to lean back when you're doing the limbo

Okay, now let's name off reasons why it's bad to be short:
-the guys you're attracted to are over a foot taller than you
-you have a head rest at the movie theater while it's normal for people's heads go over the seat...but your feet still can't reach the ground
-you can be on a soap opera...but you will be the backup for a child actor (like Mickey is in the Seinfeld episode, The Stand-In)
-every shirt you wear looks like a nightgown on you.
-Capris fit you like normal pants.
-you have to stand on a chair to reach the second shelf in the cabinets
-you will never be an NBA player
-you are used to being measured to see whether or not you can ride the roller coaster
-even when you wear high heels you're still a whole five inches shorter than the average girl
-parents are pointing you out to their children telling them that if they don't eat their vegetables then they will end up like you (as if that's a bad thing...)
-you are still riding around on your Barbie bike that you've had since third grade because you still can barely touch the ground

I've heard so many short jokes it's not even funny. No, really, they're not funny jokes. Short jokes are easy to come up with but having them be witty and something I've never heard before is...well, hard. I remember one time while I was working at the theater and playing the part of greeter-who-rips-the-tickets-from-behind-a-podium-stand, one man came up to me and told me to stop standing in a hole. I remember that joke not necessarily because it made me laugh (although I gave him a fake smile) but because it was new. Come up with new material, people.

I really can't wait until I'm old and still have my baby face. But, as you age you also gain new features, like wrinkles. Having a baby face with wrinkles will almost guarantee that when a mom passes by she'll say to her child, See, that's what tanning does to you. The overexposure to the sun ruins your skin and gives you wrinkles at an early age. I bet that lady's only 30, but she looks 74. No matter what age I am, I will still be a source that mothers use to teach their children life lessons. I just cannot wait for the plethora of short jokes to come my way when I'm 74 and a foot shorter than I am now. I also can't wait until I'm 102 and get to work back at the theater again, all the while standing in a deeper hole.


  1. I'll try to come up with some new short jokes for you. Maybe. I'll probably forget.

    I love that Seinfeld bit.

    And I loved your bit about stretching yourself out on the plane. Plus the bit about the guy being called a pedophile.

  2. So I suppose you've heard the joke that you're so short you can play handball against a curb? yea, I thought so. It's really hard to come up with new material.

    I've always been tall, so I heard all the other jokes...like how's the weather up there? and things like that. Being tall sometimes sucks because trying to find a guy taller than you can sometimes be hard. The average-sized really cute guy won't date you because he doesn't want to look short. On the off-chance he does agree to date you, he tells you not to wear heals because that's a deal-breaker. And when you are at a roller rink and skating around, people stare when you pass by, because wearing those big clunky skates makes you really, really tall...and suddenly you are feeling more like Herman Munster than yourself. And when you are tall...you probably have a size 10 or bigger foot. After all, if we taller-than-average people had small feet, we'd tip over. So for our size, having big feet is actually a blessing...except when you want to buy those really super-duper cute shoes that are on display in the mall shops...and you go in and hold up the cute little size 6 that they always have on display and tell the sales guy, "I'll take these in a size 10 and a half." and he comes out with a shoe that looks nothing like that cute little size 6 and so you leave without buying them. No shoe looks "cute" in a size 10 or above. I might as well throw away the shoes and wear the boxes.

    In my opinion, the perfect size shoe is a 7 and a half...and the perfect height is two inches shorter than your spouse. I'm not perfect. I wear a size 10 and a half, and my husband and I are the same height. But I do wear heals when we go out. Lucky for me, he's comfortable in his own skin and loves having a tall woman by his side :)

  3. Hi. I'm following, and I'm short, & I hope you'll stop by my way as well.

    Did you hear the one about the guy that was driving and rear-ended a car at a stop light? The guy whose car was hit happened to be a midget. The two guys got out to survey the damage, and the midget - who was irritated about the accident - said, "I am NOT HAPPY." The other driver said, "Which one are you then?"

    Be sure to visit me today for some tips on saving money at the gas pump. Lord knows we need that kind of help these days with the cost of gas! The post is at http://acts17verse28.blogspot.com/2011/04/from-my-inbox-tips-to-save-at-gas-pump.html

  4. Haha! Yes! I LOVE this post! I look really young for my age too! People always think my younger sisters, including the 12 year old, are older than me! I even had some lady following me around at a bar the other night, glaring at me and my drink because she thought my ID was fake! Pathetic. Thanks for sharing!

    I'm a new follower from the "Tuesdays Gone" blog hop!

  5. YES! I'm fun size too! LOL! I love that, i'll have to remember to say it from now on... as for age. Yup totally relate. I had someone pitching stuff about our local council at the door the other day, and he asked me "is your mom or dad at home?"... Boy was he embarrassed when I said I was approaching 30 LOL!!!! He didn't do such a good job after that bless him. But yes I asked how old did he think I was and he said 14! Yikes! That's a new record lol!!!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog over at Moonangelnay Handmade!

    Best wishes!


  6. hahahaha fun-sized!

    a negative about looking young is getting carded at office parties by the nineteen year-old bartender.

    REALLY? really.


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