I wish I could be like this guy:
|THE Joel Stein|
|I wish my last name were Einstein. Then I'd kind of be related to Joel.|
...I actually meant to put this picture up:
|Joel and I both wear glasses!...well, sometimes I do. Can we please be related yet?|
This isn't really the place for me to share my secret wishes, huh? Anywaaaaays, mainly, I wish I had the ability to write a short article on why Kimmie (as I like to call her) is an attention-starved, empire-building Armenian...and have millions of eyes brisk through my freshly published page...or at least use it as the platter for the drops of mustard that plunge from someone's Sam's Club hot dog. Because, then, and only then, would I know that I've made it.
In the waste industry.
Right there with my good friend, Kim.
I could go on to say that the Kardashians are just a big pile of crap. But then I wouldn't sound all professional, like my idol, Joel--he would never use the word "crap". Instead, I'll just say that the KKK (Kim, Kourtney, and their brother, Khloe) truly do belong in the waste industry, and not just because they are a waste of our time or our energy. But (wouldn't it be funny if I had put an extra t right there at the end? You know, considering who I'm writing about) they're wasting a perfectly fine time slot on E! for this new show that's yet to be written by me, and about me, Laying Low With the Little People: A Perspective From the Bottom Up. (Oh, wait, dang it, I think Kim already trademarked that last line.)
E! doesn't yet know that it's missing out on a sleeper, though. As the sleeper (I love to sleep) and, as the sleeper who has so much in common with the famous-for-doing-nothing starlit, Kimmie (Kimmie loves to sleep...around), I feel inclined to say that I don't think I could ever have as much success as my main man, Joel.
Surely, I have just as much talent--nay, merit--as Joel. Just ask my second grade teacher. I won an award! Like, the most prestigious award available...at the time. A sticker. But, that's besides the point. An award for having the most creative story in the class! Oh...you did call my second grade teacher? She doesn't know who I am? Well, uh...then ask my fifth grade teacher. She must remember me, right? She gave me a sticker, too...why would she have given me an award out of her 32 students? What? You're telling me she gave everyone in the class an award? Fine, okay, well, I have more references. Take, for example the fact that I wrote the horoscopes for my high school newspaper. While I was a freshman. FOR A SEMESTER. I mean, if people who have the ability to forecast circumstances that are bound to take place during their classmates' day don't gain any respect around here (okay, seriously, how would I know that it's 99% likely for a student to past a pencil!), then I'm disappointed. Oh, oh, and I took a creative writing class in high school AND college.
Joel, please tell me, how long did it take for you to graduate with a Bachelor's from Stanford, receive an MA, teach humor writing at Princeton, and become a writer for multiple papers before becoming a National sensation?! I've been blogging for a year with no prospects of a six digit salary. Let alone, a salary. A year!
|Get yours now--exclusively at Macy's!|
I don't know how Joel can write--it seems so effortlessly--every week about some stupid subject (i.e. Kimmie). To resemble anything remotely similar to Joel Stein's writing, it's going to take me a LOT of work.
Something that Kim and I are not fond of.
We're both fat arses.