Art is Dead

What? You don't believe me? I don't lie. My grandma found him on the sink. She thought his lifeless body was a rock. A pet rock, I guess. When she picked him up and brought him closer to her eyes is when she realized that she was holding yet another one of my fish who had jumped to its demise.

Rest in Peace the Sewer,

Art

A baby's tombstone I discovered in Vallejo, CA

Since I started blogging in August, I've had the grand total of, uh, 4 fish dying:

-7 (named from a Seinfeld episode)
-Soda (named from a Seinfeld episode)
-Omega (he was a Betta fish. Get it?)
-Art (named from a Seinfeld episode)

Well, there aren't very many fish left in the sea bowl now. All I have left is Vandelay (named from a Seinfeld episode), who is nothing without his other half, Art (shh, don't tell him I said that). Art and Vandelay were a team. There just went together. They were like peanut butter and jelly, like salt and pepper, like yogurt and Cheez-its. Vandelay is going to miss Art. I think.

Art's Obituary Oh, Fishy Airy Ofishiary

Art, for the love of Cod, why'd you have to clam up? You should've cried for kelp. Dropped me a line. I could've tried not to be crabby, and would've been touchy-eely to your feelings. Oh, who am I kidding? I would've given you a bass-whooping. That must've been why you acted all koi, as if you were having a whale of time. Why were you hooked on acting fishy? I shouldn't have fallen for this bait, you little shellfish shrimp.

Art, you were named after one of the most notorious non-existent TV characters of all time: Art Vandelay. And now I'm disappointed that you've gone off the air, much like Seinfeld. Now you're exported, like Art Vandelay.

Tuna in soon for the next obituary.

7 in Heaven

After reading the title, I bet you thought this post was going to be about the game Seven Minutes in Heaven. Well, you're gravely mistaken. This post is actually about a fish whose name was 7 and is now up in Heaven (hence the use of the adverb gravely).

I don't know if I would describe today using the adjective lugubrious or melancholy or to use heck yes! Now I got the whole place to myself! because I'm speaking on behalf of Soda, the fish who is the sole survivor of the new fish bowl, who is the beneficiary (benefishiary?) of the rest of the tropical fish flakes, who is now the only recipient of the love I have to give (to tropical fish, that is).

I discovered that my other tropical fish (I say "tropical fish" because I don't exactly know what kind of fish they are), 7, killed himself. Today was a big day for 7, so I can imagine that he's been under a lot of stress and just couldn't take it anymore, so...he jumped. He literally jumped out of his fishbowl. What? You were thinking he jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge? Silly.

This morning I woke up to discover that the aquarium where Soda and 7 lived was leaking. I got them a new place where they could live peacefully--in a vase. I didn't have any fake plants or some cool little fish castle to put into their new habitat, so the bricks would have to suffice. Plus, I figured they would like to swim in the holes. Which they did.

The transition from moving in a rush must've been a hard transition on my poor fish. But, to make 7 feel even worse, he must've been sad to realize that he's been going almost a year without a name. I've just been calling him "that pink fish". I know, I'm a neglectful fish-parent. But, I have a reason for being so bad at naming these fish. See, originally I had bought three tropical fish and was going to name them Prince, Paris, and Blanket. Then I came to realize that Paris isn't a fishy name (okaaaaaay, it is. But Paris Hilton has already claimed that image). Anyways, so I put off naming them for a few months, and when I was on vacation at The Happiest Place on Earth (Disneyland, in case you're not in the loop of things) a couple of months ago, I came home to discover what was left of the red fish--bones mostly--at the bottom of the aquarium. He died a mysterious death. So, I was down to two fish. And today was the day. I had finally decided on names for my two fish--7 and Soda. According to George Costanza, 7 is "a beautiful name for a boy or a girl." Furthermore, he has said, "You look like nice people. I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda." I just can't pass up George's opinion, so 7 and Soda they were named.

In conclusion, 7 had a bad day because he had to move to a house that didn't suit his needs. They say location, location, location when buying, but poor 7 didn't have a choice that his new home just so happens to be on the counter top in the bathroom. Talk about degrading. Also, he was given a name thanks to some character off a TV show. High expectations. This must've brought his self-esteem to an all-time low. Poor fella. And to top it all off, he's stuck living in a fishbowl where everyone can see what he's doing...and he has to keep from adhering to to 7 Up's once-motto: Make 7 Up yours.

I came home from seeing Knight and Day tonight to discover 7 on the floor. Hard as a rock. Okay, more like as hard as a dead fish who's been on the floor for a few hours. I can't believe he decided to end his pain by jumping the full 3 feet! Horrible. Well, there goes another $2 down the toilet (well, not literally $2, but 7 who was worth $2...I wouldn't ever literally flush $2 down the toilet).

I guess I need to go back to Wal-Mart and buy another fish to replace 7 (okay, I don't really mean replace. No one, nothing, not a single fish could ever fill the void that 7 has left behind). I will name the new tropical fish Art Vandelay, no one would even notice if he really existed or not.

***On a more serious note: if you're thinking about ending your life, don't. It will leave those left behind really, really, really, really lugubrious. Just stick it out and hope that things will get better. Besides, in Utah it's against the law to kill yourself.

I ♥ UT

I was at Wal-Mart today when I was amused to see a woman wearing an I ♥ UT shirt...in Utah. Seriously, though, who sells shirts proclaiming their love for Utah? Even better, who buys a shirt proclaiming their love for Utah? I just find that so funny--in fact, I thought about taking a picture and sending it to peopleofwalmart.com, but alas, I don't think many people would find it hilarious like I did...unless, you have a unique sense of humor, I guess.


Normally vacation spots such as New York City or London will sell shirts that consequently say I ♥ NYC or I ♥ London. Well, San Francisco happens to be one of those cities who is also supportive of selling these shirts. I'm originally from a city about 45 minutes from San Fran and so my family would "travel" there every so often. When we found out we would be moving to Utah my sister decided that she needed to have a San Fran shirt to remember that beautiful city by. So, now we're living in Utah and one day my sister decides to wear her I ♥ SF shirt. Bless this Utard's heart, but someone actually came up to her and said, "Wow, I didn't know Spanish Fork sells shirts." Sheltered? Yes. I mean, has this person never been out of Utah before so they think that SF can only possibly stand for a farming town with a population of around 30,000? That is freakin' awesome. Utah natives, I ♥ U.

I ♥ LAMP, too.