I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

7 in Heaven

After reading the title, I bet you thought this post was going to be about the game Seven Minutes in Heaven. Well, you're gravely mistaken. This post is actually about a fish whose name was 7 and is now up in Heaven (hence the use of the adverb gravely).

I don't know if I would describe today using the adjective lugubrious or melancholy or to use heck yes! Now I got the whole place to myself! because I'm speaking on behalf of Soda, the fish who is the sole survivor of the new fish bowl, who is the beneficiary (benefishiary?) of the rest of the tropical fish flakes, who is now the only recipient of the love I have to give (to tropical fish, that is).

I discovered that my other tropical fish (I say "tropical fish" because I don't exactly know what kind of fish they are), 7, killed himself. Today was a big day for 7, so I can imagine that he's been under a lot of stress and just couldn't take it anymore, so...he jumped. He literally jumped out of his fishbowl. What? You were thinking he jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge? Silly.

This morning I woke up to discover that the aquarium where Soda and 7 lived was leaking. I got them a new place where they could live peacefully--in a vase. I didn't have any fake plants or some cool little fish castle to put into their new habitat, so the bricks would have to suffice. Plus, I figured they would like to swim in the holes. Which they did.

The transition from moving in a rush must've been a hard transition on my poor fish. But, to make 7 feel even worse, he must've been sad to realize that he's been going almost a year without a name. I've just been calling him "that pink fish". I know, I'm a neglectful fish-parent. But, I have a reason for being so bad at naming these fish. See, originally I had bought three tropical fish and was going to name them Prince, Paris, and Blanket. Then I came to realize that Paris isn't a fishy name (okaaaaaay, it is. But Paris Hilton has already claimed that image). Anyways, so I put off naming them for a few months, and when I was on vacation at The Happiest Place on Earth (Disneyland, in case you're not in the loop of things) a couple of months ago, I came home to discover what was left of the red fish--bones mostly--at the bottom of the aquarium. He died a mysterious death. So, I was down to two fish. And today was the day. I had finally decided on names for my two fish--7 and Soda. According to George Costanza, 7 is "a beautiful name for a boy or a girl." Furthermore, he has said, "You look like nice people. I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda." I just can't pass up George's opinion, so 7 and Soda they were named.

In conclusion, 7 had a bad day because he had to move to a house that didn't suit his needs. They say location, location, location when buying, but poor 7 didn't have a choice that his new home just so happens to be on the counter top in the bathroom. Talk about degrading. Also, he was given a name thanks to some character off a TV show. High expectations. This must've brought his self-esteem to an all-time low. Poor fella. And to top it all off, he's stuck living in a fishbowl where everyone can see what he's doing...and he has to keep from adhering to to 7 Up's once-motto: Make 7 Up yours.

I came home from seeing Knight and Day tonight to discover 7 on the floor. Hard as a rock. Okay, more like as hard as a dead fish who's been on the floor for a few hours. I can't believe he decided to end his pain by jumping the full 3 feet! Horrible. Well, there goes another $2 down the toilet (well, not literally $2, but 7 who was worth $2...I wouldn't ever literally flush $2 down the toilet).

I guess I need to go back to Wal-Mart and buy another fish to replace 7 (okay, I don't really mean replace. No one, nothing, not a single fish could ever fill the void that 7 has left behind). I will name the new tropical fish Art Vandelay, no one would even notice if he really existed or not.

***On a more serious note: if you're thinking about ending your life, don't. It will leave those left behind really, really, really, really lugubrious. Just stick it out and hope that things will get better. Besides, in Utah it's against the law to kill yourself.


  1. 7 is such a cool name. If I had a kid I would totally name it 7.. which is probably why I was built with no desire to breed.

    Actually I would take a slight variation on 7 and name them 11. Because it's different.

    I'm sorry 7 decided to end it all. It's a shame Soda didn't see the warning signs and suggest 7 get counselling.

    I hope you don't report 7 to the authorities.

  2. If you had a kid you would "totally name it 7"...which is why you weren't built with the desire to breed. What does that statement say about George Costanza??? Are you saying that he would be an unfit parent if he did, in fact, name his child 7? That makes me sad because I think George would be the BEST father this world has ever seen. And by the way, what does that say about Gwyneth Paltrow who named her daughter APPLE?? I think Apple's a pretty awful name--well, for a girl, at least.

    If you had twins, you wouldn't have to choose between the names 7 and 11. You could name one kid 7 and the other Eleven. That way, you could be like, yeah, those are just my kids, 7-Eleven (Oh thank Heaven for 7-Eleven). Heh.

  3. This is one of my favorite blog entries. Perhaps I'm just obsessed with finding humour in sadness. Either way the whole CSIesque breakdown of the death scene was quite fun.

  4. Poor fishy. :( Makes me sad, makes me think of my mom. I have, however, had fishies that have done the same thing, but thankfully I have been there to scoop em up and put em back. Hope your new fishy is doing better than 7!

  5. man, utah. tough break!

    RIP 7. counter life is not for the weak of heart. or for little pink fish hearts.


Thank you for reading and have yourself a great day. Or night. Whatever.


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