I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Joel Stein, Kim Kardashian, and Me

I wish I could be like this guy:
THE Joel Stein
Actually, you know what? By comparing my picture to his, I kind of am like him. Look at his picture, then look at mine, look at his, then look at mine, look at his then look at mine:

I wish my last name were Einstein. Then I'd kind of be related to Joel.

Uh...











...I actually meant to put this picture up:

Joel and I both wear glasses!...well, sometimes I do. Can we please be related yet?


You see, Joel Stein has his own column in Time...and, not only is he published in a super-smart type of magazine, but...he's also hilarious. He has the sort of real dry, sarcastic tone that only I could hope for. I wish I could make fun of Kim Kardashian and get paid a six digit salary for it. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl guy who looked good, I would call him.


This isn't really the place for me to share my secret wishes, huh? Anywaaaaays, mainly, I wish I had the ability to write a short article on why Kimmie (as I like to call her) is an attention-starved, empire-building Armenian...and have millions of eyes brisk through my freshly published page...or at least use it as the platter for the drops of mustard that plunge from someone's Sam's Club hot dog. Because, then, and only then, would I know that I've made it.

In the waste industry.

Right there with my good friend, Kim.

I could go on to say that the Kardashians are just a big pile of crap. But then I wouldn't sound all professional, like my idol, Joel--he would never use the word "crap". Instead, I'll just say that the KKK (Kim, Kourtney, and their brother, Khloe) truly do belong in the waste industry, and not just because they are a waste of our time or our energy. But (wouldn't it be funny if I had put an extra t right there at the end? You know, considering who I'm writing about) they're wasting a perfectly fine time slot on E! for this new show that's yet to be written by me, and about me, Laying Low With the Little People: A Perspective From the Bottom Up. (Oh, wait, dang it, I think Kim already trademarked that last line.)

E! doesn't yet know that it's missing out on a sleeper, though. As the sleeper (I love to sleep) and, as the sleeper who has so much in common with the famous-for-doing-nothing starlit, Kimmie (Kimmie loves to sleep...around), I feel inclined to say that I don't think I could ever have as much success as my main man, Joel.

Surely, I have just as much talent--nay, merit--as Joel. Just ask my second grade teacher. I won an award! Like, the most prestigious award available...at the time. A sticker. But, that's besides the point. An award for having the most creative story in the class! Oh...you did call my second grade teacher? She doesn't know who I am? Well, uh...then ask my fifth grade teacher. She must remember me, right? She gave me a sticker, too...why would she have given me an award out of her 32 students? What? You're telling me she gave everyone in the class an award? Fine, okay, well, I have more references. Take, for example the fact that I wrote the horoscopes for my high school newspaper. While I was a freshman. FOR A SEMESTER. I mean, if people who have the ability to forecast circumstances that are bound to take place during their classmates' day don't gain any respect around here (okay, seriously, how would I know that it's 99% likely for a student to past a pencil!), then I'm disappointed. Oh, oh, and I took a creative writing class in high school AND college.

Joel, please tell me, how long did it take for you to graduate with a Bachelor's from Stanford, receive an MA, teach humor writing at Princeton, and become a writer for multiple papers before becoming a National sensation?! I've been blogging for a year with no prospects of a six digit salary. Let alone, a salary. A year!

year/yi(ə)r/

Noun:
  1. Five times the length that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were sealed together in holy matrimony.
  2. 365 days. In other words, it's the allotted time in which Kim Kardashian will: 
  • A) come out with a new "leaked" video, most likely involving chocolate and chocolate candies; 
  • B) introduce America to the must-have fragrance for the unhappily married couple: Breakable: Tie the Knot. It'll Leave You Hanging; and 
  • C) acquaint the world with her never-before-seen NEW idea for a reality show spin-off: Kim and Her Butt Take to the Cameras and Do Nothing Else. Except Maybe an NFL player.
    Get yours now--exclusively at Macy's!

    I don't know how Joel can write--it seems so effortlessly--every week about some stupid subject (i.e. Kimmie). To resemble anything remotely similar to Joel Stein's writing, it's going to take me a LOT of work.

    Something that Kim and I are not fond of.

    We're both fat arses.

    21 comments:

    1. Well, I don't know about that last statement, but this post is great. Is that second picture really you? Because it. is. fabulous!

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    2. Joel Stine is a great writer, and lol at the new definition of year + the perfume.

      ReplyDelete
    3. "I wish I had the ability to write a short article on why Kimmie"

      You just did... and a mighty funny one, I might add :)

      ReplyDelete
    4. TriGirl, yes, yes, it's me. Hard to believe, huh? That's how I look when I'm posing next to some teenager who's wearing a Freddy Krueger mask.

      ReplyDelete
    5. I LOVE your post!! You have a new follower from Wobble Over Wednesday now :) Can't wait to read some more!

      http://mylittlelilybud.blogspot.com

      ReplyDelete
    6. What a great post! So much fun!
      And I can't wait for the new reality program. Not to mention that new perfume. And the 6-figure income. Sigh.

      ReplyDelete
    7. I love your post! I'm glad you're not Joel Stein! I'm a new follower from the Be-Bop-A Blog Hop :)

      ReplyDelete
    8. I don't know why kim and her husband even got married because just after a little while they both got divorced. Also they spend so much money on the wedding. Like that all just went to waste.

      ReplyDelete
    9. Funny and true.
      suchakingdom.blogspot.com

      ReplyDelete
    10. You are always so funny!

      Happy Makes My Monday...thanks for linking up!

      ReplyDelete
    11. ha! this is a fun post... I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can!

      ReplyDelete
    12. Shannon, I'm still LOL'ing at your Kardashians paragraph. (so true, so wise, so...real)

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    13. In my book, you're better than Joel. You at least vary it up, he has to rehash the same stuff every week, just different situations. I detest the Khardashians and what they mean for America's youth.

      On the other hand, I am loving your blog.

      ReplyDelete
    14. Thanks for sharing these important information...
      busana muslim

      ReplyDelete
    15. Anyone that can weave in old spice gets my vote for blog of the day.

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    16. your blog title is very unique. Oh yeah, I can see the resemblance between you and Joel...lol

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    17. Oh my gosh you so made me laugh and today I desperately needed that. Thank you. I love your blog!

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    18. such a waste of good money, kim and joe... and now a baby is voming.. isnt she still legally married?

      ReplyDelete

    Thank you for reading and have yourself a great day. Or night. Whatever.

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