I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Sally's Claim Form

Remember that last SPAM email "Sally" replied to? Well, she got a response. From Mr. Damien Lewis himself! She did the only logical thing--she wrote back!

The email "Sally" received:

On Wed, Feb 9, 2011 at 12:47 PM
Lewis wrote:
Attn: Sally Fernandez,

We are in receipt of your email and we can conf
irm that the lottery award made to your email address. Congratulations on the award of $2,500,000.00 (Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) to your email address in our just concluded Electronic Promotions held in the Netherlands.
The award sum is deposited in a suspense account in your favor pending remittance. Your winning prize has a hardcover insuran
ce policy that makes it impossible to make any deduction of any kind, until the sum is finally credited into your designated account.

As your assigned claim agent, my duty is to
guide you on the procedures to ensure the prompt remittance of the winning sum and I would require your co-operation to facilitate this process.

A vetting process is to be carried out by the Gaming Board to have you validated as the beneficiary. You are expected to fill the attached form below and return, along with a copy of your valid identification document whi c
h can be a copy of your passport or driver's license. This is a standard practice to ensure that payout is made to right beneficiary.

This process is vital and urgent, and all prize money should be claimed on or before 14 days, thereafter unclaimed funds would be included in the next stake. You are to keep all your winning information confidential, especially your re
ference numbers. This is important as a case of double claims will not be entertained.

You can call or send an email, if you require any guidance on how to complete the Claims Processing Form.
Your prompt response is expected.

Regards,

Damien Lewis
Tel: +31 626 006 051
Fax: +31 847 142 735

Sally's Response:

Re: Attn: Sally Fernandez (Claims Form Attached)
Saturday, February 26, 2011 10:17 PM
From: "Sally Fernandez"
To: "Lewis"

Mr. Damien Lewis!

Is it okay if I call you Dam the Man? I
think we’re good enough friends now where I can give you a clever nickname. My brother Scott didn’t like it when I called him Scotty Too Hottie. He said that’s weird. I don’t know why. All my friends have crushes on their “brother from another mother.”

I am glad that you were assigned to be my claims a
gent. And I wholeheartedly trust that you will take me through the correct procedures. You’re kind of like the guide dog to me, the blind girl, in this situation. I have no idea what to do, but you’re right there, telling me what to do--being my eyes. I trust everything you tell me is honest and safe. You’re my dog. In fact, I'm came up with a new nickname for you. It only took me two hours, but I'm sure you'll love it: Mr. Fluffy.

How come you didn’t answer my questions in my last email? Am I too ugly? Do I seem needy? Wait, how would you even know what I look
like? Was it because we're only supposed to have a business relationship? You're not a fan of Snuggies? Or is it because my questions were dumb? Why? Whyyyy? It’s okay that you didn’t, but I’m a little hurt. See, guys call girls “fragile,” but did you know it’s not pronounced the way that the dad says it in A Christmas Story? It’s not frah-gee-lay. No, I learned that in my French class. Well, I didn’t really take a real course; I just learned French from some boy named Fritiof, (nicknamed Frito Lay). Oh, on second thought, I have another question: Why is a Game Board validating me as the beneficiary? I hope it’s the game Balderdash. That’s my favorite board game!!! Balderdash: Senseless, stupid, or exaggerated talk or writing; nonsense. My favorite part of that game is making up stories as to why the person on the card is famous. People believe my stories all the time and I usually win.

Hey, can I have your opinion since you’re a
guy and all? I was sure Billy really liked me after I called him that one day and I asked him if he’d like to meet up for dinner or something. I even gave him a choice: Burger King or Wendy’s. He told me, “Yeah, sure, whatever.” I was ecstatic!!! At last, I could see my dream of building Billy’s Bridge come true. But now when I call him up to ask him how much he’ll allot me for the meal that we’re supposed to have, I get this recording: This number has either been disconnected or is no longer in service. Do you think this means he loves me, Mr. Fluffy? Because it’s the SAME recording that my mom has and she loves me! *Giggle* Teehee! ;)

I totally get that you don’t want to entertain a double case. You’re probably not in the mood for entertaining after having so much money slip through your fingers every day. That’s probably really depressing. I can relate. Not in
terms of money, though. Oh no, this is much more personal. See, gosh, I’m getting upset just thinking about it. I had this collection a year ago. I had been saving up for my wedding night for YEARS. Years. Then, last May, on my 29th birthday, Mom told me to clean my room because the “rancid” cup of milk in my room was “smelling the whole house up!” I don’t know what her problem was. I only left that milk out for Santa. Sure, it was a little early, but I was just showing him how considerate I am of others' needs. Besides, I thought if I could get on Santa’s good side, then my Christmas wish would come true. I left this note on Billy’s front door:

Billy, my Love, Please don’t be scared if a fat man grabs you and puts you in a bag. I asked for you for Christmas!! With all my heart, Sally

ANYWAYS…like I was saying, I was saving my collection of my nail clippings for my honeymoon with Billy. Then Mom came in my room
while I was out on the town and “cleaned” my room and threw away my collection of clippings!!! Not to mention Santa’s milk. I was so mad. I said to myself, "Would ya just look at that? Just look at it!" So, yeah, I completely understand things slipping right through your fingers.

Just in case you do happen to get a doubl
e case, I have some excellent suggestions for forms of entertainment. I used to do these things with Scott, but shortly after, he'd disown me in public when I'd ask his friends if they wanted to join us:

1. Watch Catfish in beanbag chairs with your two cases! Then again, Catfish is about a person who makes a fake profile on the Internet for attention. Come to think of it, maybe that’s not the most appropriate movie to watch.
2. We could bring my grandma into
the picture and watch her (from our beanbag chairs) burp the ABCs! Don’t mind me if I’m putting my nose up to her mouth. I just like the smell of SpaghettiOs.
3. If those aren’t entertaining to your two cases, you could always deliver ketchup peanut butter cookies to your neighbors. It’s the neighborly thing to do.

I have attached the filled-out form and
my license at your request. Actually, that’s not really MY license—it’s Frito Lay’s. He said I could have whatever I wanted…so I don't understand why he dropped me back off at the corner in a huff when I said I wanted a picture of his license. Boys!

Your loving new friend,

Sally

(Click on the photo for an enlargement)

The first email from Mr. Damien Lewis.
Sally's very first SPAM email ever!

43 comments:

  1. Hi, new follower from the Sunday blog hop! You're hilarious!! I think most of us would love to write back to a spammer! btw, are you in Utah? I lived there for a short time. Have a nice day.

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  2. Wait...you mean....there ISN'T two and a half million bucks waiting? Really? I'm so confused. :)

    I bet that dude's head is spinning right now... And I equally bet that he won't find it as funny as I just did.

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  3. That was really funny! Your blog is always great though.

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  4. Lol That was just funny! Did you personally write that reply?

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  5. Very nice! Looking forward to his reply, although at this point I hope he realizes he's been duped

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  6. Thanks for reading.

    Sailor, yes, I write these replies to the spammers. Actually, Sally does--she's my alternate personality. :| I'm sure the spammers get just as much of a kick out of reading it as I do writing it...IF they read it.

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  7. ha ha ha, I LOVE IT!
    I am a new follower from the sunday blog hop. Plz follow me back at http://my-2-cents.blogspot.com/

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  8. I am HIGHLY amused. ;-) That was great!

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  9. Excellent, just excellent, bet Billy got all excited thinking he had another sucker on the go!!

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  10. I have something for you at www.notaboutcake.blogspot.com

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  11. Oh my ! Can you hear me laughing from Australia?!

    Just what I needed this afternoon !

    You rock! You rock! You rock!

    xMiss365

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  12. That's brilliant, I love it. Get so many of these emails. Now I know what to do with them!!!

    Found you on the Monday blog hops.
    CJ xx

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  13. Haha, ya caught me with your spam email! Following you now, hoping you'll come check out Crafty Geordi

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  14. Oh my Gosh!! I love it!! Hilarious!

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  15. Absolutely hilarious!!!! I get these emails all the time...I should totally do the same..but then I don't want to highjack your cleverness! :)

    I love the "This means this is an important form" part. OMG!! You crack me up.

    I am following from the Monday Blog Hop!! Please follow back!

    P.S. I'm stumbling your blog post. Just too funny!

    Heather From and Mommy Only Has Two Hands! and Lynhea Designs

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  16. Great post lol. Happily Followin & Supportin'

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  17. I'm your follower FOREVER! I think I am going to laminate this letter and copy it every time I get one of these spam emails (and over here we get texts as well) which means I will be writing forever, I am sure. This is priceless!!

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  18. LMFAO!
    It honestly sounds like something I would do...especially the bizarre nicknaming part--I nicknamed my shrink Crazy Lady and my cat Shnookums is now called "Big Spenda"

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  19. This is the perfect way to respond to one of this e-mails. I hope someone actually read it.

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  20. Too many words shanny! You know i dont like to read too many words. I like your claim form though! :) (it had pictures :)

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  21. OMG, this is hilarious!! I am following from the I love my Online Friends blog hop :) Glad I found your blog!
    www.copingwithfrugality.blogspot.com

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  22. hilarious. Okay, so this random guy once IM'ed me and asked if I wanted to F@## him. I responded "Yeah, sure but the doctor said I have to wait until the rash clears up." After asking if I had an STD the random guy disappeared into the ether fo-evs.
    I am still proud of that response.

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  23. haha! I'm sure he was completely fine with being refered to as Dam the Man.
    Now that little love card was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time!

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  24. I actually went back and re-read this a second time... and it made me laugh even more the second time. You are TOO funny! and clever! Why can't I ever think of good responses like this!?
    Next time please deliver the response via Skype so we can see his face when he reads it. HA!

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  25. Omg lmfaooo followed!
    alphabetalife.blogspot.com

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  26. That was awesome..thanks for sharing with us all..still laughing..

    sherry

    http://splendiferousgirlsclub.blogspot.com

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  27. HAHAHAHA!!! That is great! I love it! Ugh-I hate those D_ _ _ emails. What a great way to respond.
    I found you on blog hop-glad I did. Hope you stop by my blog and find something you like.

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  28. Very funny post...New follower. I also love Balderdash!
    -Buffi
    My Wonderfully Dysfunctional Blog

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  29. Holy geez, I'm dying to see what his response is!!

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  30. I LOVE this ;) Soooo funny.

    I'm following from the hop.
    ecwrites.blogspot.com

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  31. Shannimal Crackers, you're my hero. Collection of nail clippings...Santa's milk. Your email makes my belly rumble with laughter. Better than laughing to the point of peeing. More like...laughing to the point of a bowel movement. Yeah, for real.

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  32. lmmfao!! Dammit, this inspires me to have long drawn out conversations with telemarketers! :) I loved this post!

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  33. LMAO!! That's AWESOME! Thanks for following my blog. I'm enjoying the hell out of yours and look forward to catching up on your other posts.

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  34. Great post, very funny stuff!

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  35. Haha, oh my gosh, this is awesome. Ya'll went alllll out for this one. Awesome!
    http://texagermanadian.blogspot.com/

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  36. Oh this is awesome in every way. Made me giggle. I noticed you were following me and came to check you out. I am now following you! :)

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  37. This is great. It's fun to find blogs like yours. I found you on the blog hop. Heather
    www.thingsthatkeepmesane.com

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  38. haha omg. i think i just died.

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Thank you for reading and have yourself a great day. Or night. Whatever.

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