Sally's Claim Form

Remember that last SPAM email "Sally" replied to? Well, she got a response. From Mr. Damien Lewis himself! She did the only logical thing--she wrote back!

The email "Sally" received:

On Wed, Feb 9, 2011 at 12:47 PM
Lewis wrote:
Attn: Sally Fernandez,

We are in receipt of your email and we can confirm that the lottery award made to your email address. Congratulations on the award of $2,500,000.00 (Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) to your email address in our just concluded Electronic Promotions held in the Netherlands.
The award sum is deposited in a suspense account in your favor pending remittance. Your winning prize has a hardcover insurance policy that makes it impossible to make any deduction of any kind, until the sum is finally credited into your designated account.

As your assigned claim agent, my duty is to guide you on the procedures to ensure the prompt remittance of the winning sum and I would require your co-operation to facilitate this process.

A vetting process is to be carried out by the Gaming Board to have you validated as the beneficiary. You are expected to fill the attached form below and return, along with a copy of your valid identification document whi ch can be a copy of your passport or driver's license. This is a standard practice to ensure that payout is made to right beneficiary.

This process is vital and urgent, and all prize money should be claimed on or before 14 days, thereafter unclaimed funds would be included in the next stake. You are to keep all your winning information confidential, especially your reference numbers. This is important as a case of double claims will not be entertained.

You can call or send an email, if you require any guidance on how to complete the Claims Processing Form.
Your prompt response is expected.

Regards,

Damien Lewis
Tel: +31 626 006 051
Fax: +31 847 142 735

Sally's Response:

Re: Attn: Sally Fernandez (Claims Form Attached)
Saturday, February 26, 2011 10:17 PM
From: "Sally Fernandez"
To: "Lewis"

Mr. Damien Lewis!

Is it okay if I call you Dam the Man? I think we’re good enough friends now where I can give you a clever nickname. My brother Scott didn’t like it when I called him Scotty Too Hottie. He said that’s weird. I don’t know why. All my friends have crushes on their “brother from another mother.”

I am glad that you were assigned to be my claims agent. And I wholeheartedly trust that you will take me through the correct procedures. You’re kind of like the guide dog to me, the blind girl, in this situation. I have no idea what to do, but you’re right there, telling me what to do--being my eyes. I trust everything you tell me is honest and safe. You’re my dog. In fact, I'm came up with a new nickname for you. It only took me two hours, but I'm sure you'll love it: Mr. Fluffy.

How come you didn’t answer my questions in my last email? Am I too ugly? Do I seem needy? Wait, how would you even know what I look like? Was it because we're only supposed to have a business relationship? You're not a fan of Snuggies? Or is it because my questions were dumb? Why? Whyyyy? It’s okay that you didn’t, but I’m a little hurt. See, guys call girls “fragile,” but did you know it’s not pronounced the way that the dad says it in A Christmas Story? It’s not frah-gee-lay. No, I learned that in my French class. Well, I didn’t really take a real course; I just learned French from some boy named Fritiof, (nicknamed Frito Lay). Oh, on second thought, I have another question: Why is a Game Board validating me as the beneficiary? I hope it’s the game Balderdash. That’s my favorite board game!!! Balderdash: Senseless, stupid, or exaggerated talk or writing; nonsense. My favorite part of that game is making up stories as to why the person on the card is famous. People believe my stories all the time and I usually win.

Hey, can I have your opinion since you’re a guy and all? I was sure Billy really liked me after I called him that one day and I asked him if he’d like to meet up for dinner or something. I even gave him a choice: Burger King or Wendy’s. He told me, “Yeah, sure, whatever.” I was ecstatic!!! At last, I could see my dream of building Billy’s Bridge come true. But now when I call him up to ask him how much he’ll allot me for the meal that we’re supposed to have, I get this recording: This number has either been disconnected or is no longer in service. Do you think this means he loves me, Mr. Fluffy? Because it’s the SAME recording that my mom has and she loves me! *Giggle* Teehee! ;)

I totally get that you don’t want to entertain a double case. You’re probably not in the mood for entertaining after having so much money slip through your fingers every day. That’s probably really depressing. I can relate. Not in terms of money, though. Oh no, this is much more personal. See, gosh, I’m getting upset just thinking about it. I had this collection a year ago. I had been saving up for my wedding night for YEARS. Years. Then, last May, on my 29th birthday, Mom told me to clean my room because the “rancid” cup of milk in my room was “smelling the whole house up!” I don’t know what her problem was. I only left that milk out for Santa. Sure, it was a little early, but I was just showing him how considerate I am of others' needs. Besides, I thought if I could get on Santa’s good side, then my Christmas wish would come true. I left this note on Billy’s front door:

Billy, my Love, Please don’t be scared if a fat man grabs you and puts you in a bag. I asked for you for Christmas!! With all my heart, Sally

ANYWAYS…like I was saying, I was saving my collection of my nail clippings for my honeymoon with Billy. Then Mom came in my room while I was out on the town and “cleaned” my room and threw away my collection of clippings!!! Not to mention Santa’s milk. I was so mad. I said to myself, "Would ya just look at that? Just look at it!" So, yeah, I completely understand things slipping right through your fingers.

Just in case you do happen to get a double case, I have some excellent suggestions for forms of entertainment. I used to do these things with Scott, but shortly after, he'd disown me in public when I'd ask his friends if they wanted to join us:

1. Watch Catfish in beanbag chairs with your two cases! Then again, Catfish is about a person who makes a fake profile on the Internet for attention. Come to think of it, maybe that’s not the most appropriate movie to watch.
2. We could bring my grandma into the picture and watch her (from our beanbag chairs) burp the ABCs! Don’t mind me if I’m putting my nose up to her mouth. I just like the smell of SpaghettiOs.
3. If those aren’t entertaining to your two cases, you could always deliver ketchup peanut butter cookies to your neighbors. It’s the neighborly thing to do.

I have attached the filled-out form and my license at your request. Actually, that’s not really MY license—it’s Frito Lay’s. He said I could have whatever I wanted…so I don't understand why he dropped me back off at the corner in a huff when I said I wanted a picture of his license. Boys!

Your loving new friend,

Sally

(Click on the photo for an enlargement)

The first email from Mr. Damien Lewis.
Sally's very first SPAM email ever!