I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

For All the CRAFTY Women, Holla!

Ever since I was little (and by that, I mean thinner--not shorter), I’ve been crafty.


[Scene: Shannon, Little Sister, and Little Brother are in the driveway playing 3-Square]

Shannon hits the red bouncy ball with a sleight of hand, yet the ball manages to strike the top corner of Sister's square and then leap out of bounds, and start to roll away. Sister pouts. Sister walks after ball. Shannon motions for Brother to come over to her.

Shannon speaks to Brother just above a whisper; looks to make sure Sister is out of audible range; she is, three feet away.

Zoom in on Brother's face after Shannon speaks to Brother.

Brother [confused]: ...but we don't have that kind of soda.

Zoom out.

Shannon [gives an exaggerated wink into the camera]: Oh, yes we do.

[Scene: Shannon and Brother sitting in time-out on the stairway landing]

Mom [sternly]: I am ashamed of you two. Brother, why would you ever punch Sister in the face?

Brother [defensively]: Shannon told me to!

Shannon [defensively]: No, I didn't!

Mom [reasonably]: Well, Shannon, don't you know you have an influence on Brother? What did you do to make him punch Sister?

Shannon: All Brother did was ask Sister if she wanted a Hawaiian Punch...and he gave her one. Seems to me that she should be grateful that she got what she wanted.


[Scene: Hour later, Brother and Sister playing merrily outside. Shannon's eyes are red from crying, she's still sitting in time-out, and she's still wondering how she could get in trouble for telling Brother to give Sister a real "Hawaiian Punch"]

The End


  1. Clever at achieving one's aims by indirect or deceitful methods.
  2. Of, involving, or relating to indirect or deceitful methods.
...but I’ve never been into arts and crafts.

...BUT look what I just made!

T-Shirt Design

You see, I used this digital scrapbooking software called My Memories Suite. Usually, when I *try* and create a t-shirt design, I don't have the tools necessary to slant any words or photos I may use. However, since I've had this program I've been able to do that, and with ease.

But...wait...there's more!

My design may seem plain. But that's only because I made it. What's great about this program is that there are many colorful and bright pre-made scrapbook page layouts. Yes, my t-shirt design has nothing to do with scrapbooking. This program offers a plethora of possibilities to help you create whatever project is on your mind.

One of many scrapbook page layouts (photos of gorgeous children not included)
I have never, ever enjoyed scrapbooking with paper and hard-copy photos. Too girly(?) for me. However, I did enjoy placing selective photos into the already-laid-out slots. (See above)

...but here's the best part:

This is a 

for one lucky (crafty or non-crafty) reader to receive their own My Memories Suite V3 (value: $39.97)

To enter, follow the instructions below.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thanks, and good luck!

(PS: If you just can't wait to snag this cool software, you can use this code to purchase the software for yourself:
and, guess what! This code will give you $10 off your My Memories Suite V3 purchase AND it'll give you a $10 coupon towards the MyMemories.com store.)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Joel Stein, Kim Kardashian, and Me

I wish I could be like this guy:
THE Joel Stein
Actually, you know what? By comparing my picture to his, I kind of am like him. Look at his picture, then look at mine, look at his, then look at mine, look at his then look at mine:

I wish my last name were Einstein. Then I'd kind of be related to Joel.


...I actually meant to put this picture up:

Joel and I both wear glasses!...well, sometimes I do. Can we please be related yet?

You see, Joel Stein has his own column in Time...and, not only is he published in a super-smart type of magazine, but...he's also hilarious. He has the sort of real dry, sarcastic tone that only I could hope for. I wish I could make fun of Kim Kardashian and get paid a six digit salary for it. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl guy who looked good, I would call him.

This isn't really the place for me to share my secret wishes, huh? Anywaaaaays, mainly, I wish I had the ability to write a short article on why Kimmie (as I like to call her) is an attention-starved, empire-building Armenian...and have millions of eyes brisk through my freshly published page...or at least use it as the platter for the drops of mustard that plunge from someone's Sam's Club hot dog. Because, then, and only then, would I know that I've made it.

In the waste industry.

Right there with my good friend, Kim.

I could go on to say that the Kardashians are just a big pile of crap. But then I wouldn't sound all professional, like my idol, Joel--he would never use the word "crap". Instead, I'll just say that the KKK (Kim, Kourtney, and their brother, Khloe) truly do belong in the waste industry, and not just because they are a waste of our time or our energy. But (wouldn't it be funny if I had put an extra t right there at the end? You know, considering who I'm writing about) they're wasting a perfectly fine time slot on E! for this new show that's yet to be written by me, and about me, Laying Low With the Little People: A Perspective From the Bottom Up. (Oh, wait, dang it, I think Kim already trademarked that last line.)

E! doesn't yet know that it's missing out on a sleeper, though. As the sleeper (I love to sleep) and, as the sleeper who has so much in common with the famous-for-doing-nothing starlit, Kimmie (Kimmie loves to sleep...around), I feel inclined to say that I don't think I could ever have as much success as my main man, Joel.

Surely, I have just as much talent--nay, merit--as Joel. Just ask my second grade teacher. I won an award! Like, the most prestigious award available...at the time. A sticker. But, that's besides the point. An award for having the most creative story in the class! Oh...you did call my second grade teacher? She doesn't know who I am? Well, uh...then ask my fifth grade teacher. She must remember me, right? She gave me a sticker, too...why would she have given me an award out of her 32 students? What? You're telling me she gave everyone in the class an award? Fine, okay, well, I have more references. Take, for example the fact that I wrote the horoscopes for my high school newspaper. While I was a freshman. FOR A SEMESTER. I mean, if people who have the ability to forecast circumstances that are bound to take place during their classmates' day don't gain any respect around here (okay, seriously, how would I know that it's 99% likely for a student to past a pencil!), then I'm disappointed. Oh, oh, and I took a creative writing class in high school AND college.

Joel, please tell me, how long did it take for you to graduate with a Bachelor's from Stanford, receive an MA, teach humor writing at Princeton, and become a writer for multiple papers before becoming a National sensation?! I've been blogging for a year with no prospects of a six digit salary. Let alone, a salary. A year!


  1. Five times the length that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were sealed together in holy matrimony.
  2. 365 days. In other words, it's the allotted time in which Kim Kardashian will: 
  • A) come out with a new "leaked" video, most likely involving chocolate and chocolate candies; 
  • B) introduce America to the must-have fragrance for the unhappily married couple: Breakable: Tie the Knot. It'll Leave You Hanging; and 
  • C) acquaint the world with her never-before-seen NEW idea for a reality show spin-off: Kim and Her Butt Take to the Cameras and Do Nothing Else. Except Maybe an NFL player.
    Get yours now--exclusively at Macy's!

    I don't know how Joel can write--it seems so effortlessly--every week about some stupid subject (i.e. Kimmie). To resemble anything remotely similar to Joel Stein's writing, it's going to take me a LOT of work.

    Something that Kim and I are not fond of.

    We're both fat arses.


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