The Morning After

Gulp.

What did I DO last night?

My memory has once again failed me the morning after. Not to my surprise, once again, I have left a trail of evidence for myself to discover the following morning.

Laptop history from last night says I tried joining a dating website under the username IAmNOTAllergicToYou. Oh boy. La-di-da-di-da. I'll just delete the profile and then this little five hour "phase" in my life has been erased. There, much better.

Wait, what's this? I've uncovered yet another "secret" gem: YouTube reveals my brother, his fiance, and I made a karaoke video wherein I'm the star of the remake to "I'm Too Sexy."

I'm scared to search further.

"Shannon, you're super funny when you're like that," my brother reveals to me as I make my public appearance for the day, "you need to be like that every night."

I cringe inside that my impaired judgment could have led my body to participate in such activities. Gosh. It's at this moment that I've made yet another grim discovery. Not only was I cringing on the inside. I was cringing on the outside, as well. A bruise shines brightly on my arm, from bumping into walls from last night's stagger.

I check my phone to further investigate last night's escapade and discover that I made a phone call at 12:30 in the morning. Who knows what the crap I said? Oh, that's right, the owner of the voicemail does. I hope I didn't say anything too revealing or embarrassing, but being under this substance kind of warps your mind. 

Now this is getting interesting.

"Do you still find that one joke funny?" My brother asks, "because you couldn't stop laughing at it last night?"

"What joke?"

"What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaay."

Oh, dear. I'm in worse shape than I thought.

"Or, how about this one: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?" He's just teasing me now.

"Why?"

"To get to the bottom!" He says with a grin.

No. Now I'm in worse shape than I thought.

Trying to get away from real-life, I step into my grandma's room. She's pretty entertaining. Maybe she can lead my mind away from my last night's behaviors.

"Hi, Shannon. Did you have a good night last night?" She asks with enthusiasm.

"Yeah...I slept well."

"Good. Because I have plenty more where that came from--let me know if you want anymore. I want to give some to your mom, but she won't take it. You should talk her into using it."

"Okay," I lied.

The Seinfeld theme song goes off. I've received a text. No, wait, my phone's just reminding me that I have unread texts.

"I'm glad you didn't drive here last night in that state of mind," my friend had lovingly texted me.

Surely my judgment was impaired--but to want to drive somewhere under that condition, go out in public like that. I couldn't be more ashamed of myself...

...when I'm on Ambien.

I Swear

I just heard a bad song on the '90's radio station:

I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

I actually really like this song by All-4-One. It brings back memories from my childhood, I guess in 1994. I remember, for some reason, that my older brother received this album by All-4-One for Easter. It was his first CD (I think his second CD was Aquarium by Aqua. MY first CD was better--The Backstreet Boys! Anyways...).

So, what makes this a bad song if I like it so much? Well, my mom has always taught me a few things ever since I was a child. No screaming. No kicking. No selling your little brother old rotten Halloween candy. No swearing. No lying. No jumping on the bed. No doorbell ditching. No giving your sister Hawaiian punches...or making your little brother give 'em to her, either. So, you can understand my confusion as a child as to why my mom would give my brother a song that is clearly in conflict with our values. A song called I Swear? What the h-e-double hockey sticks, Mom? Why are you buying us an album with a song on it that is ALL about swearing and then we're not allowed to swear?

To me, the bad words (such as Dang, Heck, Freak, Crap) were known as cussing, not swearing. Swearing was totally different from cussing, but still, both were bad. So, the lyrics to this song confused me a little. I mean, swearing by the moon and the stars in the sky? Sounds pretty pansy to me. If you're going to swear, make it something that actually fits into the bad mode. Like, I swear by the knife and the glass pieces in your hand. It just seems to fit the "wrong" sense more. My mind could not comprehend that you could say I swear I love you and have that sentence be good. I thought that you had to say I promise I love you.

Everytime I hear I Swear I think about the conflict I experienced with my morals as a nine year old: to listen to a song I like (because it's [so] good), or obey my mom and not listen to the song because of its swearing? I chose the latter option, I swear...

PS: Okay, I swear I haven't actually ever sworn in my life. Mom, on the All-4-One CD you gave your eldest son, there's a song on there called (She's Got) Skillz. Yeah, it's not (She's Got) Skittles like you once thought, nor is it about tasting the rainbow through colored candy. Just thought I'd get that out in the open after having just sweared in the previous paragraph.

The Deed is Done

What good deed have you done today? What, you helped an elderly woman cross the road? That doesn't count--she was perfectly capable of walking by herself...using her cane. You gave a homeless man a toothbrush? What's he going to do with that?...now he needs toothpaste. Way to make someone who has no money go out and spend money on something he didn't even need to begin with. Donated money to help the poor starving children in Africa? Everyone does that.

Well, I shall tell you of the grandest of grand deeds that I've ever committed. However, there are some ingredients you'll be needing to commit this deed that is praiseworthy of any saint.

Ingredients needed to do a super service for someone, all the while having fun:

1. Jell-O pudding mix
2. Car
3. Doorbell
4. Camera
5. Sense of humor

My brother and I were soooooo restless on Monday. We wanted to get out of the house and do something but there's not much to do where we live, right (nod your head "yes")? We have to get creative. My brother starts throwing out ideas about what would be better than sitting around (like shooting yourself in the foot...because then at least that gives you something exciting to do). I mention some things I did a few years ago involving ketchup cookies, a video camera, and two other people who are willing to make fools of themselves by wearing disguises and talking in an Asian accent for the sake of a video...and for the sake of not being bored. But I won't get into that little story here. Anyways, so while we're brainstorming off of my little ketchup cookie story, my brother comes up with this idea that we doorbell ditch completely random houses and leave them a gift on their front doorstep (no, not dog poo in a burning brown bag. I'm not like that). Not a bad idea, actually. But what gift could we possibly leave someone that would make their day? Cookies with ketchup? Nah. Cookies? Boring. Empty pizza boxes? Been there, done that. Fat free, sugar free, vanilla flavored instant Jell-O pudding??? Bingo!


I know you're thinking, Wow, Shannon is just soooooo nice. I wish I was delivered fat free, sugar free, vanilla flavored instant Jell-O pudding right to my door. How convenient! I'm sorry, but I only do nice things for strangers. Sidenote: My brother is talented and was able to make the pudding in less than five minutes! Five minutes! Can you believe that?

Now that the deliciousness is ready to be eaten by a couple of lucky souls who happen to be stumbled upon by two bored-out-their-minds twentysomethingyearolds, we just need something to put this yummy treat in. A vase? Nah. Tupperware? Boring. A baggie? Been there, done that (not really). These super awesome red plastic cups made durable to withstand multiple dishwashings??? Bingo!Now, you can't just leave a plastic cup with a yummy dessert inside of it on someone's doorstep. There has to be a story to go along with it. So...my brother and I came up with really cute things to write on the side of the 2 cups (to make the deliverees believe that they knew the deliverers) that were soon to be delivered to COMPLETELY RANDOM STRANGERS;

-We love you guys! Enjoy the pudding. By the way, did you borrow our casserole dish?

-Thank you so much for your help yesterday! I made your favorite treat. (Please return the cup when done).

If this isn't appetizing then I don't know what is

Time to doorbell ditch! The best part. I picked out this house:

As you can see, we doorbell ditched in a pretty nice neighborhood, not to mention in the broad daylight. The next door neighbors were out mowing their lawns and playing in their front yards when they saw this junk Honda Civic pull up to the curb right in front of this house, see this girl walk up to the door, ring the doorbell, run for her life to the car sitting directly in front, the car pull away from the curb only slightly, then the cargoers watch to see if anyone answers the front door. We didn't see anyone answer the door, but when we drove past the house a few minutes later the super awesome red plastic cup made durable to withstand multiple dishwashings was gone. I think the recipients of our pudding-giving were happy that someone thought to bring them pudding. I have to be optimistic that they liked the pudding because the alternative is sad--they could've thrown away our delicious treat that took a whole 5 minutes of hard work to create. That would just put a frown on my face, so I like to pretend that a mother opened the door, called all five of her children to gather around the cup and each have a spoonful (since the cup was only about 1/4 full) of the tasty good stuff. And if the mother did, in fact, happen to borrow a casserole dish from a friend, then when she goes to return the dish she'll be sure to bring up the fact that she found the pudding that her friend had given her oh, so scrumptious. But she thought it was odd that her friend chose the method of doorbell ditching for the pudding's delivery.

My brother chose to doorbell ditch the second (and last) house that had the garage doors open so that he could get more of an adrenaline rush as he ran the fifteen feet back to the car. After he rang the doorbell, he ran back to the car, and we just sat in the car in front of the house until we knew for sure someone was going to answer. Sure enough, some little old lady was the lucky recipient of the vanilla pudding. She looked at us in the car with confusion, like she didn't recognize the car...or us. We waved at her. Then drove away. After that she must've read the cup: ...Please return the cup when done. I bet you she was trying to figure out for the life of her who it was that she had to return the plastic cup to. Now, who do I know who drives a beat up Honda Civic? Okay, well, who did I help yesterday to deserve such wonderful pudding? Ooooh, I helped Mittens get her claws stuck out of the couch cushions. But a cat can't bake or write on cups. Maybe it was Mittens's owner who wrote this beautiful note...but wait, I'M Mittens's owner. Hmm. This Dementia thing isn't really helping my memory.

And there you have it, a simple, easy way to cheer folks up unexpectedly...while having fun...and not being so bored that you want to shoot your foot just for the entertainment factor. Actually, I don't know if those folks were cheered up--but let's pretend they are...because it makes me feel good knowing I did something nice for someone else. But quite honestly, who WOULDN'T want FREE pudding? It's actually the best random act of kindness I've ever given someone...who I don't know...in Utah...via doorbell ditching.