I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Sally's Contact

This was in Sally's inbox:

Saturday, March 12, 2011 3:00 AM
From:"Suzana N. V." <md.suzana@att.net>
To: undisclosed-recipients
Good day

Nice to meet you, my name is Suzana, I found your contact and I picked interest to contact you. I've something very important which I would love to share with you therefore, I would appreciate if you respond back to me so that I'll give you my full details. I am waiting anxiously for your anticipated co-operation.


This is now in Sally's outbox:

Friday, June 3, 2011 4:40 PM
From: "Sally Fernandez"
To: md.suzana@att.net
Re: Good day

My Suzana!

Oh, Suzana, now don’t you cry for me. For I’ve come from Alabama with a harmonica in a tree. Hehe, just kidding. I’ve been called a jokester. I’m even considering becoming a comedian. Do you think I’d be good at it, Suzana? I think so—because even just walking down the street, people point and laugh at me. Anyways, I’ve actually come from Mississippi. I hitchhiked the full 9 hours in order to serenade Billy last night. It was super fun! I got to meet a lot of different types of guys, and they all had one thing in common—they each drove a big rig. But Large Marge wasn't in it. <------That was a joke because Large Marge isn't real. At least Mom tells me she's only pretend because she's from a movie. But Frankenstein is from a movie and he's real. I know because I see him every year saying "Trick or treat, smell my feet." And every time I tell him no thank you. (And I don't know if I'm supposed to tell anyone this, but it can be our little secret: he's a lot shorter in person.)

They were all so nice to give me a lift! Especially since I was on a dark, dirt road in the middle of nowhere with signs all around that said Prison Area: Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers. The first guy who picked me up asked to make sure I was a go-go girl. I told him yeah, obviously. I’m a girl on the go--that I was headed to see Billy! Then he told me how it was just my luck—that he’s been called Billy the Kid once or twice in his 70 years of life because he was, and I quote, "bad to the bone." I asked him if he knew my grandma because she has Osteoporosis, too. And then I told him that he sure doesn't look like Billy. because Billy isn't a kid. Then I think something got in his eye because his eye kept twitching. Oh, wait, there’s a word for that. Blink. He blinked at me.

That guy who claimed to be Billy was a liar. He wasn’t bad. He had a funny bone. Not a bad bone. I don't know where he came up with that. He showed me things I've never seen before. Like jelly beans. Gel candies. I think it's the same gel that Dr. Scholl's uses? That makes it all the tastier! In the shape of beans. Amazing. I'll tell you what, whoever invented jelly beans is a genius, pure genius. The next guy was pretty weird, though. The first thing he said to me was that I could be his prisoner of love. I told him that I didn’t see how that is possible, since I don’t want to go to prison. How I’ve never stolen anything in my life except that one time that I took a dead puffer fish out of a Wal-Mart fish tank. I gave that that away as a gift to my grandma, because she told me for her birthday she wanted a back scratcher. When she saw it, she fainted, out of surprise. A good surprise. What do you want for YOUR birthday, Suzana? When is your birthday, anyways? Billy’s is September 3. Do you think it’s weird that that one guy brought up my criminal history within the first 4 seconds of meeting me? I would never do that to you. The guy then said that we could make our own music. So, naturally, I took his harmonica from the glove box. Then he just stared at me. He didn’t even give me a blink with one eye. Then he asked me how I could be so stupid. But he’s the dumb one. If he didn’t want me to play the harmonica then why did he even mention music?

Sorry for blabbing. I’m ecstatic that you found my contact! I've been looking all over for that dang thing!! How did you find my contact information? Was it from this sign that I only posted on every tree around Billy’s yard?

Last night as I was sitting in the tire swing that I purposefully hung right next to Billy's house, to serenade him with my new harmonica, I accidentally bumped into his window when I was trying to catch a glimpse of his cute little face resting against his pillow. As I was against his window, the branch decided to collapse. I banged my head against the window (but don’t tell anyone else because my reputation could be ruined). That's when I think my contact popped out of my eye. Looking on the bright side, though, I can’t see anything out of my left eye. I think I’m in love. Love is blind.

I decided to take advantage of the 45 minutes that my face was squished against Billy’s window, and just gazed at him. I wonder if he was dreaming of me. After 46 minutes and 3 seconds, my butt started to get tired from sitting on that branch. I repositioned myself but I think in the process I hit Billy's window with my belly button, tongue, or something, because he shot right up and just stared at me. As if he'd seen a ghost...or his nightmare. I thought it would be best to coddle him, so I tapped on his window with my nail-less fingers. I yelled at him through his window that I’d been watching him sleep, and how he was perfect like an angel. Then I asked him to kiss my boo boo--that he'd be the only one to make my sore bum feel better. Then I called him my boo, for special effects, you know. He still stared at me. I knew that this request of mine would leave him speechless. It was his dream come true. Literally. So, as he got out of bed and crept closer to the window, paused, peered at me for five seconds, and then scowled, I knew that he was only nervous. He's probably never kissed a girl before.

Get this! He opened the window! I can’t tell you how excited I was. These were the EXACT words he said to me:

"Hey, you. Yeah, you. You can kiss my butt."

Then he slammed the window.

And closed his shades.

This is the moment my heart melted. I knew it all along. Finally he was man enough to admit it.

He wanted me to kiss him!

Okay, I can’t even tell you how excited I was (x56)! Did you know that's the most romantic thing that he (or anyone else) has ever said to me? (Wait, no, one time Billy told me 12 years ago in high school, that he was out of my league. I couldn't believe that he invited me to go bowling!) Anyways, he really DOES like me! How did you know when you were in love? I've been waiting years to hear these words from him. But I’ve always known that Billy like-likes me because I've seen him wear his I ♥ SF shirt to bed at LEAST 4 times this week.

I’m glad I’ve been able to have some girl-talk. Last time I tried talking to a girl, it was to Marcia, but that was months ago and she never replied to me. You’re the bestest friend a girl could ever have, Suz. Am I your bestest friend?

How I N.V. you, Suzana (Ha! Did you catch that? I made a joke using your initials. I crack myself up.), because you have ME as a friend. I promise I’ll be a good one. Just tell me what you want for your birthday and if there’s a boy you like.

Your Best Friend Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever (time infinity) and Ever, 

 Sally Fernandez

Here are some pictures of my left contact from when I first got it 2 years ago. These pictures are from all different angles, so you know you have the right one. No, not the right one. The left one. The left one would be the right one.

PS: Did you steal my contact?
PPS: If you didn't then I owe you a kiss. It won't be the chocolate kind of kiss. But you won't be disappointed! It'll probably be more medicated berry balm flavored.


  1. Funny post. I especially like the "Prison Area: Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers" joke. And, of course, the dead puffer fish joke. In fact, I just wrote a post about dead fish (called "Returning One's Textbook gives the same benefits as Dead Fish"). Is that a coincidence? What would Sally say?

    - Phil

  2. I did not steal your contact... I swear. But I have my eye on that harmonica.

  3. Nice and I didn't steal your contact either!

  4. Too funny! Glad I came about your blog so I can follow! Oh, and I didn't steal your contact either. :)

  5. At this very moment I am down on my knees on the floor, bowing to you and your smartass greatness! LOL

    O.M.G. This just made my whole week xD

  6. I get those emails in my inbox ALL the freakin' time!

    Can I cut and paste this blog post? Because I think if everyone responded to all those emails with this post...it would be great!

  7. First time visiting your blog and now you've got me! Hilarious!

  8. Your too funny. I was over liking your facebook page and saw you post listed so came to read it. Very creative.

  9. lmfao that's so freaking hilarious! Dammit I wish I was that quick witted! *jealous* I'm so gonna steal your contact! lol

  10. This. Is. Hilarious.

    I am so glad you posted it here on your blog... somehow I get the feeling that Suzana won't have appreciated it anywhere near as much as all your readers.

  11. so funny i loved reading this post it had so many twists and turns. lol and no i d i not steal your contact but i got you one can have ... lol

  12. So funny! I'm a rookie at this whole blogging deal so I guess I should let you know that I'm your newest follower! Lucky you ;)

  13. I loved this, hilarious! I hate those unsolicited scam e-mails and am always thrilled to see someone getting them back with a ridiculous reply, excellent job!

  14. Okay, before I read this post I could think of exactly ZERO redeeming qualities of spammers. Now I have one. Sally provokers. Genius.

    Also, Sally reminds me of the SNL Catholic (armpit) girl character played by Molly Shannon. :)

  15. Freaking hilarious! I love it and am a new follower. :D

  16. What a funny and cute post, thanks for sharing.

  17. Brilliant. Absurd stream of consciousness. Bravo.

  18. Elizabeth, I guess my theory is true then--anyone with the name of Shannon is awesome!

  19. Holy crap. this is amazing! I hate the annoying people that contact you about products. I had a sex toy company that wouldn't leave me alone for a long time. I was like I might be a freak, but I don't want my mom to read about it...

  20. omg!!! i am on my knees bowing to you right now with Kayla.....ooooh, I think I found your contact down here!!

    your mind works in an absurdly enjoyable way! loved this post!

  21. OMG! Can't wipe the smile off my face! LOL! Good stuff!!!!

  22. Oh my god, that is too funny! How did I miss this one on my first visit to your blog? You're REALLY good! And we've all had these nonsensical stupid emails, haven't we?

    Thanks for dropping my my own blog. Yes, rats. I actually could get past the tail thing if I ever thought my husband would go for it --nope, nope. Especially since when we moved, beside the mouse problem, we came in one of our first nights to step on a dead rat on the kitchen floor. (Someone had been eating our apples from the dining room table bowl, and we thought it was only mice!)


Thank you for reading and have yourself a great day. Or night. Whatever.


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