I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Finger

They don't yield to others who are in the roundabout first.
They don't pull far enough into the intersection when trying to make a left turn.
They don't slow down on yellow lights.
They stop on "merge" and go on "yield."
They are the best at not checking their blind spots when switching lanes.
They pull right in front of you from a sidestreet, only to go 10 mph.
They won't pull to the front slot at gas stations if it means going around the car parked in the second slot.

They are Pootah drivers. Whoops, that slipped. What I meant to say is that they are Utard drivers. Geez, I don't know what I'm thinking. Ahem. Utah drivers.

And I'll tell you what, while driving with Grandma here, I've never heard her this upset since the time I accidentally deleted her recording of The Show Where It's Okay For Men to Have Polyamorous Relationships, The Show Where Moms Are Even Proud That Their Son or Daughter is Featured on This "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You" Garbage For All to See The Bachelor. But, the drivers here are what they are and it can't be changed. Well, maybe they can change, one driver at a time. Thanks to my grandma...

[True Story] Grams and I are coasting along the freeway, trying to make good time on the pothole-covered road for the 50 miles we had to drive. Grandma has never driven a car before in her life, but she's great at giving directions, "Look out for that big truck," "Watch out for this truck. They scare me," and "You never know what these trucks are going to do."

Well, it's not the big rigs that she needs to be scared of. It's the plethora of minivans.

So there we are, enjoying ourselves, listening to Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys (my grandma thinks my music has "good beats." Sometimes I'm grateful she can't hear very well). But, Grandma should've really taken this verse to heart:

Too sweet to be sour
too nice to be mean

On the tough guy style
I'm not too keen


because right as these lyrics blew threw my only working speaker, a blue minivan started making its way into our lane, putting only a few inches between our cars. Pretty soon, she was halfway in our lane, pushing us over the shoulder of road before she even noticed we were there. When she got back to where she belonged (Drivers Ed, anyone?) in her lane, I made sure to speed up some that I wasn't driving adjacent to her the whole time. But not before Grams felt the need to show the non-checking-blindspot driver who's boss.

How could this sweet, little 82 year old woman, who looks forward to Saturday nights when Lawrence Welk airs its millionth rerun, put bad drivers in their place?

Grams and Kudos, January 2011

The 3 simple steps to letting Utah drivers know they're in the wrong, according to Grandma:

1. Say to other passengers in your car, "Did you see that? [Bad Word]. I'm going to give 'em the finger."
2. Turn to face the bad driver, look her straight in the eye and mutter: You Stupid. (This is more effective if you draw it out to: You Stuuuuuuupid.)
3. Give her "The Finger." Don't just give it to her, but shake it madly, fiercely, as if your finger is Charlie Sheen on drugs Charlie Sheen.

"That'll show 'em."

We continued driving this never-ending-of-construction freeway to our destination, having already survived becoming roadkill, yet still not making a dent in the miles we had left to cover. But after dealing with Utah drivers, you know before even starting your engine, there's a to-do list that you NEED to review.

The 3 simple steps you need to do before driving in Utah:

1. Buckle your seat belt
2. Say a prayer
3. Have your secret weapon in hand (The Finger)

because you don't know what these drivers are going to do. Actually, yes you do.

The next song that came on from my mixed CD: Too Legit to Quit by MC Hammer (Why, yes, I do like listening to quality 90's music, thanks for asking). Then it happenend again. Another one of THEM failed to check their blindspot and, once again, started moving into my lane (Déjà vu, anyone?)--the same lane I've been in the whole time. This minivan, with I love my family but not enough to check my blindspots meticulously plastered on the vehicle's exterior, only realized that, yes, a car is already occupying this lane by the time he was already halfway in our lane.

These lyrics from Too Legit to Quit should be Grandma's theme:

I choose to abuse, misuse, and confuse
Competitors who think they're makin' up all the rules, fools

because as we sped up to pass this typical Utah driver, Grandma uncovered her secret weapon.

CAUTION: The next picture has a PG-13 rating. Please don't view if you're easily offended...






The Finger: Point and Shake the Index Finger


***The Finger also works great outside of driving.

-Did someone knock over your lawn gnome and walk away? Give 'em The Finger.
-Someone stole a cookie from your cookie jar? The Finger.
-Kim Kardashian made a single? The "Other" Finger.

60 comments:

  1. I always enjoy a good road rage story.

    p.s. Charlie Sheen will suffice no "on drugs" required. Also, after reading the MC Hammer part I thought of Young MC singing Bust a Move.

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  2. OMG.... i was laughing so hard I was shaking! this is priceless!

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  3. didn't feed the cat? The Finger.

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  4. I would NEVER forget to feed the cat(s)...

    Forgot to feed Grandma? Oh well.

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  5. That was really, really funny.

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  6. Ah! Sounds like MY grandma. One time some kids cussed at our car, and she flipped out like no other! "You damn kids should watch what the hell you're saying and who you're saying it to!" I thought she was going to get out and beat them! Good times. Grans are FIERCE.

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  7. I'm pretty sure you have the greatest grandmother OF ALL TIME. Also? It seems to me that Utah drivers are the reason the horn was invented... ;)

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  8. Kudos to your grandma. I love her!
    PS Please let her know I'm sorry for cutting her off the other day.
    xoRobyn

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  9. Haha, this is hilarious. Good writing.

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  10. Your grandma is a badass, she really knows how to handle bad drivers, good for her!!

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  11. You had me laughing at loud at this, such fabulous photos too. Your Gran is a legend.

    CJ xx

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  12. "How could this sweet, little 82 year old woman, who looks forward to Saturday nights when Lawrence Welk airs its millionth rerun, put bad drivers in their place?"

    Because she's bad ass, that's why. ;) I LOVED this post. BTW, if you think Utah is bad, come to New Jersey, where you REALLY hsve to say a prayer. No seriously. Come. I think I'd welcome Utah. New Jersey. Where even if you are in the wrong you STILL curse out the other driver....at 75mph.

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  13. I also have a blog post titled The Finger, but it's nowhere near this entertaining. I need a grandma who gives the finger.

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  14. That is sooo funny! I love it!

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  15. My grandfather used to give everyone "the finger" lol! I hate drivers who act like that too. I was driving today on the highway and this guy, in a smaller car than me almost hit me when not looking and changing lanes. I had to swerve onto the shoulder so that idiot didn't hit me. When I beeped at him, he looked at me like I was doing something wrong. And believe me, I have an SUV. A little Honda can definitely see me next to them.

    Following you from the Thursday bloghop!! Hopefully you can visit us and follow back!

    Krissy @ Mommy Misc

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  16. =) That was hilarious...and awesome!

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  17. that was great! "The Mormon Finger"

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  18. People getting in your lane is really scary! Grandma has a lot of spunk. I love the fact that you are spending time with her, it's quite a gift for both of you.
    By the way, yes I do think writing in a journal everyday is a great idea. Not only does it help with writing in general, but it also puts you in touch with greater insights into your self. I highly recommend putting pen to paper everyday.

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  19. Grandma's wagging index finger is our secret weapon in our war on stupidity.

    Carry on, Grandma!!

    Pearl

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  20. Aww I love the post! Great blog showing my support!

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  21. Haha, this is hilarious!! In Germany, it is against the law to give the finger, or even raise your hands in disgust when driving. It is amazing I am not in jail right now :)
    http://texagermanadian.blogspot.com/

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  22. Crap. I've been using the wrong finger. No wonder it doesn't work.

    This made me laugh, a lot!

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  23. This is an awesome post! You have gained a new reader :)

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  24. I'm stopping by from the Saturday hop. Your story made me laugh out loud! I love your Grandma!

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  25. Oh LOL!

    A rotten driver got the full rage of my "fiercely shaking finger" this afternoon - and I don't mean your granny's :-)

    My 35 year old daughter just shook her head and said, "I never thought I'd ever live to see the day ..."

    Now she has.

    Your story had me laughing from beginning to end. Thanks for sharing.

    ~Val

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  26. This is too funny! I love it... especially because I hope to be a spunky old broad someday too!

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  27. And who do you take after? Lol.

    Hilarious. I really need to stop reading your posts before going to bed. You are far too funny and it is difficult to sleep after laughing that hard.

    :D

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  28. Hi I hopped in here from Norway and am looking forward to following you. Loved what you wrote about your Granny, sounds like my mom :) Have a wonderful day!

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  29. LOVE THIS!. My grandma has a look that goes with the finger.

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  30. LMAO! I snort laughed! So awesome!

    (Visiting from Fledgling Friday) Good stuff! I will be back. :D

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  31. Oh how very funny! I love your Grandma:)

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  32. Lol I need your grams with me on my commute to work

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  33. I LOVED this post! I don't think it's just Utah that has the crazed mini vans on the roads. They are EVERYWHERE!

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  34. Stopping by from the blog hop.

    Have to say, I was rolling! My husband's 95 year old grandmother lived with us and she was Sicilian...she always gave everyone the "evil eye" with two fingers zapping at them. I wish I had gotten a picture of her doing that for my children's memory.

    Love this story!
    Blessings,
    Trish

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  35. *lol* So not what I expected. Go Grandma! Now I feel as if I'm ready to drive in Utah should I need to.

    Stopping by from Blog Entourage hop

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  36. Awww...hearing this story about your grandma (she's uber cool, by the way) makes me miss my grandma all the more. It's been 3 years since my gram passed away, and ohhh....how I miss her! You are very blessed that you still have your grandma there with you, in the car, giving people the finger. I love this post!

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  37. This Shanimals Crackers installment is not unlike a steamin' hot cup of Maxwell House coffee: "Good to the last drop!"

    Thanks for this incredible read. I have since declared your grandmother a saint: Saint Grams de Pointy Fingie, Patron one of Anti-Pootah Drivers!

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  38. Just laughed my ass off. You are too funny!

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  39. Can you PLEASE send your grandmother over here to Doha for the day??? Qatar's drivers make Utah drivers look smart! Loved the post.

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  40. Too FUNNY! Great hilarious Blog!
    I'm a new follower.
    Amy's Life @
    www.amyclairejacob.blogspot.com

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  41. I can relate to this story all too well. I traveling the interstates every week.
    I am a new follower, http://www.couponsavingsinthesouth.com/

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  42. Such a good read! Even has the O. Henry twist at the end :)

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  43. This is hilarious! Love it!

    New follower via google connect

    http://www.hopelessheartbreaker.blogspot.com

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  44. The finger lol, I do that all the time when I am mad lol.

    I just followed your blog, please followed me back at Opinion Channel

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  45. dont feel bad southern illinois drivers are the same way

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  46. lmfao!!! Go Granny, Go! She would have been doing the Thelma and Louise with my grandma!!!

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  47. Yes, all those drivers deserve "The Finger!" Washington state drivers are crappy too...only my work requires me to drive (plus I have an intern with me for her final semester) so a) i might inadvertently flip one of my clients the bird, b) i might shock my intern. But Grandma rocks :D

    Stopping by from Totally Tuesday blog hop :)

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  48. Nice ending!! I was a bit worried, as I've seen more than a few finger pointers on these utah roads - and not that one!!!

    Utahns are friggin angry on the roads. What's up with that??

    Thanks for riding the train today!
    The Survival Mama

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  49. Hmmm.....not sure that is the finger I would be using.

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  50. Go, Granny, go, Granny, go, Granny, go! (/beach boys)

    Everybody needs a granny like that!

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  51. This post was a riot, I love it! Your grandma was probably flipping off my relatives (especially my grandpa who once did a u-turn in the middle of the highway...) Utah drivers are awesome!

    Also, 90's music is the best thing ever.

    I am stopping by from I ♥ Blogging, just wanted to say thank you for joining our hop!

    I would love if you could stop by and visit www.mooseandtater.com

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  52. You had me at roundabout. Because I swear, the next person who can't freaking figure out the one near my house is going to get more than just a good finger-shaking.

    However, I am SO adopting your grandma. Or maybe just keeping her as my role model so that I can be the same way 50 years from now. Everyone has goals, right?

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  53. Woo hoo I'm your 500th! I rock :)

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  54. Road rage, LOL! Love this post and your Grandma. You forgot to mention the pot holes, too. Utah drivers plus pot holes, UGH!!!! hugs!

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  55. Very good post, I enjoyed reading it. Now following

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Thank you for reading and have yourself a great day. Or night. Whatever.

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