I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Ninth Thing in Common

"What?!" This was only my third time in a row repeating this question.

"I said what song is this?!" He yelled at me from 3 inches away.

"Oh, this is Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus!" I yelled back him, who was a mere 3 inches from my face.

"Who's that?!"

"Some stupid Disney girl!" I had to yell so that my new guy friend and I would be able to hear each other over the screaming girls who jumped in excitement over the tween song.

"I think all the Disney girls should be punched!"

"Yeah, I agree! Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus...!" Wouldn't it be nice to slap these girls back to reality?

Okay, so this guy and I were getting along great. We seemed to have at least one thing in common: we didn't know how to bridle our innate rage other than wanting to slap millionaire girls who possessed no talent.

Now, usually, for this type of deep conversation, I would have preferred to have been in a nice, quiet restaurant that has candlelit table tops, cloth napkins that go on your lap, where the servers are anxious to bring you four bowls of Fagioli soup, without muttering to themselves, "Dang, this girl's eating like this in front of a guy?!" Where bread sticks come and go at your request. Where you can take a tour of Italy just by ordering The Tour of Italy. This place is known as Olive Garden. However, the pounding dance floor that was full of guys and girls jumping to a Miley Cyrus song would have to suffice as a place where he and I could talk openly about anything and everything. It would only be right--after all, I only met him an hour ago, right in this very spot, and we needed to be loyal to our roots. Plus, uh, we had both come with a ride.

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on

A slow song interrupted our unbridled topic of conversation about how all Disney girls turn out messed up.

"Do you wanna dance?"He said with his hand making its way toward mine. This intriguing guy wants to touch my hand?! I think I may or may not have had a heart attack at that moment.

"Uh, sure." I shrug. "But I don't know how to dance." Play it cool, Shannon, play it cool.

"It's okay. I don't either." We're meant for each other!

Second thing in common.

"You know, I have never seen all of Titanic," he remarked as he swayed me back and forth to the non-Disney girl song.

"I fell asleep in it. I also fell asleep in all three Lord of the Rings movies." Yeah, I know, I know, I have pure talent for the ability to make myself sound interesting.

"Really?! You should watch them again. I read all of those books." Glad I didn't tell him that I also fell asleep in Sherlock Holmes, Avatar, and Invictus.

"I tried reading The Hobbit but couldn't make it past the first chapter." I sure do know how to impress a guy.

"You're not one of those girls who has read Twilight, right?" What kind of girl did he think I was?!

"Um, no. I have never laid a finger on that book and never will."

"Good, but knowing that the author of that book graduated from BYU makes me feel a little embarrassed."

"You know, the makers of Napoleon Dynamite also attended BYU. And I hate that movie. You don't like it, do you?" Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.

"Well, it was funny the first time. Then it got annoying." He saved himself with that last sentence.

"No, it's always been annoying."

Third thing in common.

By this point I couldn't believe it. Was I actually talking to my soul mate? This guy and I seemed to have very similar tastes. Or...at least three things in common!

The fourth thing we shared in common was our love for Seinfeld.

"The only dance I know is The Elaine," I admitted to him. My secret was out.

I then proceeded to stick my fat thumbs up and do little kicks (with my little legs). And, I admit, I had never felt this comfortable in a guy's presence before. I mean, sure, I always make a fool of myself in a guy's presence, but this time was special. Let me rephrase that; I always make a fool of myself in a guy's presence, but this time was special, for it wasn't on accident.

"I also like The Carlton dance," I admit, "but I can't do it."

"The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is awesome!"

Fifth thing in common. Is this guy perfect for me or what?

"Oh, hey, do you remember the head-banging dance move from A Night at the Roxbury?" He asks me.

"Heck yeah, I do!"

Our sixth thing in common. Aww.

"Okay, well, I'm going to go add that song to the request list. Is the song called What is Love?"

"Yeah, it's by Haddaway."

Is this guy perfect for me or is he perfect for me?

Shake Your Head Yes.

I decided to make this song our song, "...but if they play this song, I don't think anyone here will get the head-bopping reference, except me and you." Yes, I know. I'm a romantic.

For the hour and a half that this guy and I spent talking to each other, I had gotten him to dance, which, when I had first spoken to him, he made it clear that he doesn't dance. I had gotten this guy to open up to me. We were able to connect in some way. Some way that I'd never experienced before.

"Hey, I'm going to go get some water," he told me.

"Oh, I like water!" Seventh thing in common.

As we were having our water cooler chat, he admitted two things to me.

One: "My ride's leaving in a couple of minutes. But I think you're cool and fun. We should stay in touch." Our eighth thing we had in common...because I felt the same way. I think I'm cool and fun.


it's really too bad for me that we shared one last, very important ninth common interest: we were both attracted to guys.

I guess I don't need to tell you that the DJ never did play What is Love, but it would've been nice to hear the answer.


  1. Bwahahahaha! Was so following along and then that last line! It's always that 9th thing, isn't it?

    Your humor always Makes My Monday. Thanks so much for playing along!

  2. I loved that episode of Seinfeld! I don't care if she was as offbeat as a tail-less cat jumping branches...SHE WAS GANGSTER AS HELL!

  3. There's always something! I didn't know that Stephanie Meyer went to BYU. LOL

  4. There's always something! I didn't know that Stephanie Meyer went to BYU. LOL

  5. Oh Shan, I was so excited for you until the very end. I'm sorry honey. I was just thinking earlier today that the only guys I seem to have stuff in common with are guys who like guys. So frustrating.

  6. lol. Aw. Disappointed. I was waiting for it to end something like that. Better luck next time!

  7. Awesome post, Shanimal. In this day and age, you'd be hard pressed to find a female reader who hasn't had something tragically similar happen to her.

  8. Um, yea. That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Probably because it happened to you and not me. But, hey I used to spend hours every weekend making out with what I was sure was the love of my life...he was gay too. They can be really good kissers :)

  9. oh shiiit!! are u forreals? :/

  10. Blah.

    I was all hopeful there for the 2.5 minutes it took me to read your post.

    ...now I just don't know what to say. Awkward.....



  11. I laughed out loud more than once during this post

  12. UGH. it's always that ninth thing, isn't it?

    i fell asleep during indiana jones. something about imminent danger makes me narcoleptic....

  13. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

  14. It's a good read. You have a great way with words.

  15. I too am in LOVE with Seinfeld! Love Elaine's Dance :)

  16. AW, SUCKS.

    This was an adorable and hilarious post. I was sooooo disappointed at the end!

    Excellent writing.

  17. Sonofabitch! Well, sounds like you may have found a friend for life though :)

  18. At least the story has a pretty nice/appropriate punchline! Collecting little life stories like these is fun :)

  19. HI! Stop by my blog...I have an award for you!!!!

  20. It's one of those moments where you kinda wish you WERE another gay guy just so you could DATE a gay guy, haha! Straight guys are never THAT perfect. I'm sorry, Shanimals! But at least you made a friend? Who might have some less gay friends??

    Fingers crossed!

  21. I should have seen that one coming but I was so caught up in the whole romanticism of it all, I just wasn't paying attention... and then BAM! Reality!

  22. Oh shannon. I laughed harder then ever before.

    This happened to me once too by the way.

    Me (9th grade): "Um...want to go out?"
    Him: "Um, you're great and all but...."
    Me: "Yeah, okay. You're dating someone else. I'm sorry."
    Him: "I'm actually gay."
    Me: "Well, that was unexpected."

  23. Something very similar happened to me my freshman year of college. It sucks, but life gets a lot better after that. -Lola http://www.dharmakilleddogma.blogspot.com

  24. Ok funniest line in the world. We were both attracted to guys. Isn't that always the way? Nicely written Shannon. Love it.

  25. Loved it, well written and funny ending!

  26. Thats too bad... but the fact that he nailed the Miley Cyrus song... in hindsight you probably shoulda seen it coming.

  27. 1) If you're not down with the Butabi head bang, we can't hang.

    2) 8 things in common, can you really complain? I'd go chaz bono for someone I had 8 things in common with.

  28. I was SO living vicariously through you... until that last punching line. Shites, that's too bad! No offense to any gay guys out there, but really, isn't it bad enough already that nowadays we have to compete with a million other girls to get just one friggin decent guy, and now we have to compete with other guys as well? (sigh).

    Disagree on Twilight (I LOVEEEE Twilight)--I know, I know--but loved Seinfeld and The Night at the Roxbury! I can totally do the head banging move! And I actually still do it on a regular basis on rare nights that I do get a chance to get out. Wait a minute, is that wrong?!?

  29. Oh my gosh, you're a terrific writer! Always looking for good writers, with a real twist. Meeting you via Sunday linky, and glad of it!

  30. Hahahahah I knew that there was going to be some kind of unfortunate end to this. DAMMIT. Did you know that before or after? I had a server at BW3s who was SO CUTE, and I checked out his hand (cause I'm old enough for this) and he had a ring on it. I was all, "Aww... damn, he's married." And then he saw a magazine on our table and the main article was about how Columbus is So Gay (LGBT friendly) and he's like, "OH, I'm in that!" And suddenly had a real strong lisp. Hahaha. He was SO cute!

  31. Haha, very amusing writing! Except now I've craving food from the Olive Garden. :p

  32. So you're just giving up? You don't think you can overcome that ninth thing you guys have in common? ;-)

  33. This was funnier than hell (I'm kind of sorry for laughing at your expense... kind of)... it reminded me of a time when a frustrated co-worker told me "You men are like parking spaces - all the good ones are either taken or handicapped." She left out gay... gay parking spaces aren't very common...

    ...Loved the post.

  34. Guys who are too good to be true aren't even guys at all! ;-) we have something in common too! water! :))
    don't worry, we're always here, and we love you! <3

  35. I dig Elaine, and I dig Napoleon Dynamite. We have no future do we? I...am...crushed...Cheers!!


  36. At least he told you that BEFORE you got half naked with him.

    ...Some of us weren't so lucky.

    PS: I totally dug this story.

  37. I totally knew it! That whole affinity for water gave it away.

  38. I love that Seinfield episode:)

  39. Ahhh LOVE! :D

    Though you unfortunately managed to get "What Is Love" irreversibly stuck in my head. >.<

  40. Well, at least you found out before the wedding.

  41. LOL! You're a fantastic writer! Love the way you play with words!

    Happy Sunday!

  42. Aw this is so the sotry of my life all through the 80's and 90's!Sorry girl!!!!

    Oh and nothing good comes out of BYU! Trust me I live in Provo and headed north to the U of U for school! No BYU yuck!!!

  43. If it's too good to be true then it is:)

  44. Seinfeld is my all time FAVORITE. Love the picture of Elaine. Love the blog as well. Happy Monday.


  45. FREAKING AWESOME POST! Love this, seriously, love love love this!


Thank you for reading and have yourself a great day. Or night. Whatever.


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