I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Crystal Ballers

Do you feel lost? 
Should you change careers?
Is the man you're with treating you good enough? 
If you answered yes or no to at least one of these questions, then you're in luck! Call now for a reading over the phone! Yes, you heard that right. Our highly skilled spiritual advisore can tell what's in store for your future...over the phone. Over the phone! You know what that means, don't you? Of course you don't, you're not gifted in the same way we are. It means that good days are ahead for you! Oops, did we say too much? Call now! We know you'll be happy you did.

First time callers, call now to be charged only $3/minute. All regular callers, your rate is still $10/minute, but know we love you. You provide us with a paycheck. We're only taking advantage of you because we know you'll continue to call. We can we say, we're psychics. 

Probably from the Psychics' Perspectives

"These psychic commercials make us look so sleazy...don't you think, Pixie?"

"Ha, listen to this one, Jezebel. I got a guy on hold who wants to know what he should do about his relationship with his girlfriend."

"Why do people call us with their lives in our hands?" Jezebel thought aloud, as she often did.

"Oooooh, quiet, quiet, Brad is about to give the rose to Emily! Eeee! Turn the sound up, would ya?" Pixie demanded, as she often did.

"If I were going to, wouldn't you already know?"

"Ha. Ha. Funny, Jez. Now shut up, I want to hear if Emily is going to accept the rose!"

::2 minutes later::

"Uh, Pixie, isn't that guy still on hold?" Jez inquired.

"Oh, shoot! Wait, no, wait, it's okay. He's only been on hold for three minutes. We're piling in the Benjamins. Now stop munching on those Cheetos so loudly, would ya? I need to act like I'm in a secluded area and he shouldn't hear your loud mouth chomping in the background. That means turn off your dang cell phone and don't talk to Bud while I'm dealing with this customer, and mute the TV. Do you think you can handle that?"

"I think you already know the answer."

Pixie cleared her throat as if she were competing in the most-authoritative-person-alive contest.

"Hello, Sir, this is Pixie speaking. Thank you for holding as I was receiving divine inspiration about your specific case."

"Oh, thanks, Pixie. Like I was saying, I've been having problems with my girlfriend. I think she thinks that I'm not paying enough attention to her. What should I do?"

"Well, Sir, is it okay if I call you Timmy?"

"How'd you know Timmy was my name?"

"The letters T and I and M and Y just appeared," Pixie responded as she checked the caller ID from the phone's screen.

"Wow, you really are in tuned."

"Hahaha, Timmy, you could probably be one, too, for making a statement like that. But, listen, like I was saying, Timmy, I'm feeling as if you and your girlfriend are feeling a sort of tension in the relationship...and...um..." Pixie shifted in her La-Z Boy recliner.

"Yeah, yeah. That's right," Timmy confirmed.

"Will you please hold? I'm receiving some sort of inspiration. This may take a minute."

"Sure," was all Timmy could say.

"Come on, Pixie, don't you think it's a little rude to put him on hold just to eat?" Jezebel was getting sick of watching TV in the mute.

"Jez, I told him I'm receiving inspiration...and I wasn't lying. My stomach was telling me it's hungry--and if that's not inspiration, then I don't know what is." Pixie actually answered, as she took a bite of her delectable Dove chocolate.

"Thanks for holding, Timmy. So you and your current girlfriend have been going through some rifts. And you're worried about what's in your relationship's future. Is this correct?"


"Of course. Well, Timmy, it was manifested to me that you need to give your girlfriend a gift. Not just any gift, though. You need to let her know that you care for her. I get the feeling that right now you're having problems because she is feeling as though the romance has dwindled."

"Uh huh."

"Am I right so far?"

"I mean, I guess. She has told me over a year ago that she likes it when I give her attention. Do you think that's what's missing?"

"Of course. That's what I'm feeling. Oh, what's this? Hold on, wait. I'm starting to feel something more. Will you hold, Timmy?"


"This is too easy. This guy's falling for anything I say," Pixie shared the obvious with Jez.

Jezebal nodded her matted head in agreement as she munched slowly on a Cheeto, then wiped her finger clean of the orange powder on the lower edge of her Cheeto-stained pink tank top.

"You know," Jezebal turned her head from the screeching sound coming from the Sham Wow commercial that plastered the TV screen, "I was thinking. Those producers of The Bachelor really do have it right. If I were on that show, I'd love to receive a rose from the man of my dreams. Isn't that just so romantic?"

"Quiet, Jez. I'm thinking."

A minute passes.

"Hi, Timmy. I received a revelation. Are you ready for what I'm about to tell you? Because, I know that this is the solution to your problems with your girlfriend...for now."

"Yeah! I'm ready!"

"You should give your girlfriend a single-stemmed red rose. Single-stemmed because it's symbolizing that your girlfriend is the only woman in your life. She is your one and only. Red indicates passion. By giving her a red rose, you are essentially stating to her that you care for her. You are the man in her life, and she is the woman in your life. Right now she's probably feeling as if she's not receiving as much attention from you as she'd like. The rose's thorns represent that there may be some sharp disagreements, and other hurtful events in the relationship, but that your relationship has of yet to fully blossom. By giving her the rose, you're showing her that you do value her and that she can never be replaced. "

"Oh, wow. Thanks. I'll be sure to do that. You may have just saved my relationship."

"Okay, is there anything that I can further assist you with?"

"I think you just helped what matters most in my life! That's it."

"You're welcome, Timmy. May you be blessed with with positive energy in the near future, and with your girlfriend."

Pixie clicked the "end" button and killed the phone call. At that moment, a dancing backwards-robe-wearing woman was reflecting a blue blur all along the wall across from the TV. 

"But wait, there's more! When you order a Snuggie, you'll also receive a cheap, plastic booklight that'll last for two days max! A $23 value...for FREE! Hurry, this deal ends in two years!" The overenthusiastic male voice boomed.

"I love my job, Jezebel. These clients are so easy to manipulate. They're so dumb," Pixie informed Jezebel.

"You know, Pixie, I think I need a Snuggie," Jezebel ignored Pixie, for once.

From My Perspective

"I just got off the phone with a psychic." You could tell that Timmy was proud of his first-ever talk with the omniscient.

"What'd they say?" I asked older brother, whom I looked up to, with curiosity beaming from my bulging brown eyes.

"That I need to give my girlfriend a single-stemmed red rose, and it'll help to heal our relationship."

"...but you don't even have a girlfriend," I reiterate.

"I know. Those psychics are so easy to manipulate. They're so dumb," Timmy established.

"They're just psychics, you know?"


  1. Psych!!!

    Perspective changes everything! :-D

  2. Psychics are always hilarious.... but they all knew I was going to say that. That's why I keep them tied up in my trunk!

  3. Bahaha, love your perspective!

  4. I once talked to a guy and out of the blue he said, 'I've got psychic powers. Yeah. I can drive around this city and know exactly where there's an empty spot for me to park. I make it so.' Considering the fact that Rotterdam is a hell of a place to park, well, anything, you can imagine how jealous I felt...

    Thumbs up from right across the Atlantic :)

  5. psychics. this made me wonder what miss cleo is doing RIGHT NOW...

  6. If they were really pyschic, they'd call me.

  7. If I was a psychic my name would be Richard. It just seems like the name of someone who can read minds.

  8. it's probably a depressing job - now that I think of it...

  9. Very creative. Good reading!

  10. Awwww... lol. Makes me glad I do not have to do that job.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog!
    & thank you for the sweet comment. You have such a great life to be grateful for. & I know one day your dream of being a Momma will come true too. Hugs!


  11. Ahaha! When I was in college i only had a couple of local stations on tv and every night there would be Jojo the psychic; i'd forgotten about her!

    To ihateeverything, isn't miss cleo in jail right now?

  12. You are so funny. I love your posts. Time traveling from Planet Weidknecht!

  13. Why, that was fun! Good reading! It's not easy to make your writing interesting as that.

  14. This was a wonderful post, you are a great writer!

    Thanks for your comment on my blog, I have to admit I'm bad at focusing on the lows at times too. It's hard to be positive!

  15. What's the number to that psychic again??? Kidding. (P.S. I still can't believe you didn't take a picture...)

  16. great perspective! love the writing style

  17. Shanny, Really Cute!!! You are very, very creative! I wish you would write a book!

    Love, Mom XOXOXOXOX

  18. Your humor adds to the world. I haven't thought about psychics in forever! When I do, though, it always takes me back to the movie "Ghost." I love that movie! Thank you so much for joining my hop and giving the group something to laugh at.☺

  19. That is AWESOME! The dialog is great and your mom's comment is the topper.

  20. That was so funny! I wrote about a psychic in my book (true story.)
    The creepy thing is he told us something was going to happen but he got the person it happened to wrong. I am still creeped out.

  21. hilarious!!! loved it! it really made my dad and man did I need it!
    I always love the work you put out.

    (heads up, I started a new blog: ilavajuice.blogspot.com I've always been really secretive about my family but that stopped today)


Thank you for reading and have yourself a great day. Or night. Whatever.


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