The email I received:
RE: NOTIFICATION OF EMAIL AWARD
Tuesday, February 8, 2011 6:52 PM
RE: NOTIFICATION OF EMAIL AWARD
We are pleased to inform you of the email reward program for internet users. Your email address was the star pick from the automated ballot system and by virtue of this pick, you are entitled to receive the grand reward of Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars.
This is a reward program for the patronage of internet services and all email addresses entered for the promotional draws were randomly selected from an internet resource database of registered software and domain users. This promotional draw is conducted in the Netherlands, but email entries were drawn on a global basis.
Reference Number: RGM-1313
e-ticket number: A-8700916
Amount: 2,500,000.00 (Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand Dollars)
For instructions to receive this amount, you should establish contact with the Enquiry Officer using details stated below:
Contact: Mr. Damien Lewis
Phone: +31 626 006 051
You are required to directly contact Mr. Lewis and furnish him with the following information:
Name:....... Address:........ Phone/Fax:....., Cell Phone:......,Email:....., Alternative Email:...., Occupation:...., and E-ticket number:
NOTE: It's important you initiate correspondence with Damien Lewis immediately for guidance to receive the allotted sum.
contact the clamis agent
Re: RE: NOTIFICATION OF EMAIL AWARD
Tuesday, February 8, 2011 8:35 PM
Mr. Damien Lewis,
What an honor is is to write you!!!!!!!! And I'm so honored that Marcia referred to my email as the star pick. I always knew I was a star, but didn't think I shined brightly enough for anyone to see the light I give this world. I am glad to finally be recognized...especially with money! I am confused, though, I didn't enter my email into a drawing to be picked. I must have a secret admirer. See, now I can finally prove my point to Molly who said I'll never amount to anything. And I told her, oh yeah, well...you just wait. Someday I'll be a bright, burning star and you'll just be...Molly. I told her this 12 years ago, but I wrote it down in my journal so that I could rewrite my future. And, well, she must've told her boyfriend at the time, Billy, that I told her TO HER FACE that she's JUST going to be Molly and he must've had an epiphany at that exact moment, knowing that he couldn't be with a "just Molly." He ended up breaking up with her 4 years later, but I think the whole time that he was dating her he was crushing on me, knowing that I had potential star power. I knew KNEW they were going to break up! So, I think he entered my email address into this drawing to get back at Molly and to get with me. I'm going to go call him now. Hold on.
After having a very awkward conversation with Billy, I am now furnishing you with the following information you requested:
Name:.......Sally Fernandez (I'm half American and half Spanish--although I don't speak an ounce of Spanish. Oh wait, no, I know one phrase: Mis pies son feos [the translation is: My feet are ugly. I didn't learn what the English translation was until I had been saying this Spanish phrase to every guy I talked to at Molly's request. Then, one guy finally responded to my bad Spanish with an English word: Fetish.])
Address:........Right now I'm just living off the generosity of others and am currently living from couch to couch. I don't have a permanent address, per se (yes, I do know Latin). My least favorite couch to sleep on, though, is the one that's on Dolly Lou's son's hairdresser's cousin's dogsitter's front porch. It gets kind of cold at night, and I'm right next to the dogs. Some would say I'm in the dog-house. But I don't know what that means.
Phone/Fax:.....Again, oh geez, I'm so embarrassed, but I don't have a phone that's also a fax machine. Oh man, now I'm all worried. How will you wire the money over to me if I don't have a fax number? Come to think of it, how will I get the money? Seeing as I don't have a bank account either, you'll probably just have to send me bills in an envelope addressed to my parents. But on the envelope it should say: For Sally's eyes only. Because sometimes my parents go through my mail and they've even read my love letters. Oh, it's so embarrassing. They told me I had, like, 24 letters from Foot Fetish boy, but he kind of creeped me out...but my mom said he's very nice because he even sent samples of toenail polish. Maybe I received a letter or two from Billy but they ripped it up and never showed me (they never liked him, you know, because he probably never sent samples of polish or anything). I don't know, but I think my parents also stole my Harry Potter Snuggie a few weeks ago that I ordered from As Seen On TV. I want my Snuggie now. I don't like having to share Max the Dog's fur coat. Did you know Snuggies can act as a robe-thingy AND as a blanket? It's so versatile.
Cell Phone:......Not applicable.
Alternative Email:....I guess you could email email@example.com if you want. We've become such good friends ever since I received the email from her an hour ago telling me I've won so much money. I don't know how I could ever repay her...not with my newfound money, that's for sure! I'll probably end up buying Billy a bridge and naming the bridge after him. Do you think Bridge Billy sounds good? I think I will even put a big red bow across it. I will also pick a star from the sky, you know, like in A Walk to Remember, how the boyfriend picked a star from the sky and named if after the girl? How romantic! Well, I'm going to do that too. I'm going to name the star Sally. See, it's kind of like a metaphor because the star is Sally. It's a metaphor for saying I'm a star because we all know people can't literally be stars. That would just be silly. But if there really is a star named Sally, then it can be literal.
Occupation:....I'm doing odd jobs at the moment. My favorite is taste-testing toilet bowl cleaners. My runner-up favorite is cutting my uncle's toe hair. I also like to braid it.
and E-ticket number: A-8700916
I don't know, but this must be my lucky month!! First, I received an email from Mr. Arwan Ibrahim telling me I've inherited 40% of 15 million!!!! Are you guys friends? Ooooh, maybe you're twins--you both have "Mr." as your first name. Cool! I think you guys are saints for just giving money away. You will surely be rewarded in the next life for being honest and charitable--especially to those who need it most. I have a question, you said I receive this much: 2,500,000.00. Now, is that in US dollars, African dollars, or Schrute bucks? Sorry, but you didn't explain as explicitly as Mr. Arwan Ibrahim did. Second, I received $8 from Uncle Harry for braiding--french brainding, nonetheless--his toe hair (yes, I'm also fluent in French as well). That was a surprise because usually he only pays me with Hostess cupcakes.
I am friends with anyone who gives me money. I especially like those guys who drive up to me in their nice sports cars when I'm just standing on the corner licking a lollipop at 1 AM. I don't know why, but they like to give me money like crazy just for being myself. They've even called me their own personal star. Take that, Molly!
I am anxiously awaiting your reply, my dear friend.
New Found Star