I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy S.A.D.!

Happy S.A.D.!


All the single ladies,
all the single ladies
If you don't like it
then you should get on the Internet

Ladies, are you tired of being alone on Valentine's Day with no one except your teddy bear, Freckles, to cuddle? Exhausted of eating at your candlelit table set for two only to gaze across your nice china into the deep chocolate-mousse-colored eyes of...Freckles? Tired of snuggling under a blanket with your good friends, Ben and Jerry, to watch You've Got Mail with Freckles clinging at your side? Exhausted of receiving a dozen red roses unexpectedly at work with the note "Can't bear to be without you" only to discover the note's in Freckle's handwriting?

Freckles the Bear
If you're suffering from any of these symptoms, don't worry. There IS help. Now introducing the solution to all your problems: Internet dating!! Satisfaction 35% guaranteed! Within minutes of joining, you'll have intelligent, dashing, funny-as-heck guys knocking on the door to your heart.
A personal message from one of our satisfied customers (we'll call her Sheltered Shan):

Girls, you don't have to feel alone anymore! Internet dating DOES work. Within 3 minutes of joining, I had a boyfriend. A real guy who wanted to date me. Not some guy in a freckled bear costume who stalks me via Facebook.
I have even saved our very first words spoken to each other over the Internet so that it can go into my scrapbook of how he and I first met!! :) :)

My-Soon-to-be-Boyfriend: hi want to date?

Me: Heck yeah!! Where have you been all my life?

My-Now-Boyfriend (See, isn't it easy?! Yay!): here in utah lets do something its friday :)

Me: You're right, it is Friday--I'm glad you know the days of the week. Look, I've already found a smart one!!! Before we meet, though, I have certain questions that need to be answered:

1. What are your feelings on the World of Warcraft?

2. Would you be willing to teach me how to play the guitar?

3. Are you weird? (If you answer yes, it doesn't necessarily rule you out, but I need to be prepared.) Asking him directly if he's weird is a good way to make sure that he isn't weird. But I'm already so in love by this point, that I don't care if he answers yes.

My-Ever-So-Endearing-Boyfriend: I have played guitar for 6 years and give lessons He's suuuuper talented!!!!! :), I could get you started this week, never played world of warcraft, and im wierd but would love to give you lessons i charge 10 bucks a lesson I don't even care that he isn't using punctuation, or that he spelled "wierd" wrong. And why should I?

Me: What? No lesson discount?

So give me an example of how you're weird. There are many different variations of being weird, like weird weird, cool weird, geek weird, Twilight weird, or socially awkward.

I'm glad you haven't played World of Warcraft. I haven't either. Aww, look, we already have things in common!

The-Man-I'm-Probably-Going-to-Marry: thats 10 bucks a hour guitar lessons from private people is more for a half a hour Aww, would you look at that? He's sharing his talent at such a low cost--he's charitable and giving!, not to weird, just like to have fun you want to have a lesson monday?

Me: I don't currently own a guitar. I was seriously considering getting one to take lessons, though.

When you first messaged me "hi want to date," were you breaking the ice or did you really think a girl would just respond with yes and then you were dating? I need to know if it was love at first sight for him as it was for me!

My-Man: were over im breaking up with you. Learn how to play guitar though, if you ever need a teacher you know where to find me

Me-in-a-Pool-of-Tears-Barely-Able-to-Cope-Trying-to-See-Past-the-Salty-Fluid-Flowing-Onto-My-Cheeks: Do you think it would be weird to give lessons to your ex? I could see how that could potentially be really awkward.


Okay, girls, isn't this a wonderful example of how to get a boyfriend in time for your candlelit table that's already set for two (just overlook the part where we broke up, please)?

Here's a hint to a successful Internet relationship: if you meet him in person right off the bat before chatting to him online first, you're bound not to be broken up within 8 minutes. Also, don't ask him questions before meeting. This tends to scare him away. That's why I didn't end up marrying the love of my life. Follow these simple steps and you're bound to get the guaranteed results: snuggling up under a blanket with a real man, not your besties Ben and Jerry...or Freckles.
Love bunches over the Internet,
Sheltered Shan

WARNING: Side effects may include: lying, upset stomachs, stalking, earaches, and weirdos.

Note: The above dialogue is an actual conversation (and the whole entire conversation, nonetheless...yes, it started with "hi want to date?") that a friend and I had with some dude online. Please don't try this at home--unless you take precautions, or just want a laugh.


  1. I was a bad internet dating fool. Happy Vday. BTW...love the blog. If you're interested I set up a free community for blogs to join together to do reviews and giveaways for our 150 clients. Check it out at bloggerdise.com. Love for you to join up.

  2. Funny post. Happy SAD, I like it.

  3. Soon to be boyfriend to the man I am going to marry!! don't waste any time eh..
    good luck and happy S.A.D. day to you.
    cheers, Sausage...

  4. Happy S.A.D. to you, very entertaining post.

  5. Nicely done!

    And yes: for me, if the weirdo can't spell "weirdo", the magic's gone.

    A girl has to have standards.


  6. Today, after opening my completely void of passion Valentine from my husband (A Glee-themed greeting depicting a megaphoned Sue shouting, "You think Valentine's Day is hard?" *open card* "Well, OK. But things are harder. I'm passing a gallstone as we speak. That's hard."), a scene from Roseanne immediately entered my brain:

    Dan: Do you ever regret marrying me?
    Roseanne: Every day of my life.

    Yeppers. Valentine's Day is definitely overrated. LOL!

    P.S. Really enjoyed your blog! I am now positive that we should get our own Hoda/Kathy Lee show (See my reply comment to you in my today's blog for clarification.)

  7. Enjoyed reading your blog! New foller GFC via LGS list. :) Happy Un-Valentines Day

  8. I'm pretty sure that's the same Freckles the Bear that tried to scam me out of money on line...better watch your bank account!
    Don't fall for his sad eyes trick~he's just trying to hypnotize you.

  9. I know what you mean man.

    There was a hill top
    where I used to see,
    all of my life's possibilities in front of me.
    Four decades later,
    I returned to see
    that none of it, would ever be.

    The Delaware River meanders gracefully down to the sea by journeying through the magnificently forested hills of The Catskills Mountains first. A lonesome train track follows it's meanderings, also heading south to the sea. I was 14 years old when I first climbed Seminary Hill and saw this splendid sight.

    There was a 30-foot statue of Jesus Christ on a cross high up on Seminary Hill. The image was ghostly against blackening skies, even more so during lightning storms. The Castle-like Seminary was spread out over the level acreage at the bottom of The Hill.

    Below the Seminary, lies the Town Of Callicoon and The Delaware River. I went way out of my way on a sunny day, about 6 or 7 years ago, to return to Seminary Hill, but I never anticipated the subsequent flood of emotions that resulted from looking down that river valley... and all of those years... again.

    Quite accidentally, not long after my return to Seminary Hill, a former seminarian from my class was put in touch with me, and even though we were once very close friends, I couldn't place him when we met again. He had none of the looks, characteristics, or mannerisms of the person that I once knew. He was kind enough to bring me up to date regarding fellow mates and such, but as he talked, I looked into his unfamiliar eyes and felt like I was back up on Seminary Hill, again... searching for the guy that I once knew.

  10. I was an internet dating fool. And I stress fool. Hey, the reason I never commented before is I only recently joined.

  11. This was so funny, I don't even know where to begin. On a sad note (get it: S.A.D!...of course you get it, you came up with the acronym) I'm sorry your boyfriend broke up with you. He sounded like a douchebag anyway. On a good note, you know where you can go for guitar lessons.
    This post was brilliant!

  12. i lol'd!

    thanks for following, im following you now too :)

  13. Um, yeah, Ed's comment has Jesus Christ and the Catskills in it. But I found your post even more entertaining. Due to my vast experience with internet dating (I state this with great shame), I was thinking it sounded very realistic. Sure enough, I see it was. Oy.

    Maybe you could do the half a hour lesson and it wouldn't be to weird.


  14. Thank you all very much for commenting. I really appreciate it!

    This has truly been a happy S.A.D. day!

  15. Glad your SAD wasn't so sad kiddo. Funny stuff.

  16. Thanks for following me. Im following you now too! PS: I enjoyed reading this, it make me laugh.

    Amanda T

  17. that teddy bear was so cute.
    u draw with your self?
    i'm your new follower.
    Thanks for follow me..

  18. Syida, yes, I drew the teddy bear. His name is Freckles. :)

  19. Hilarious post! Love the blog, following you back.
    Amy (A Whim of Mine)

  20. Hahaha! This is really funny! Happy S.A.D. to you!!!

  21. LOL! That is so funny that it was a real conversation. I hope your next relationship lasts at least nine minutes ;D

    I am your newest follower from Welcome Wednesday. I hope you will take a second to pop over and say hi :D Have a blessed week!


  22. OMG, what a funny post!!! Oh the perils of internet dating!!

    My mom met her husband on the internet and my dad met his wife on the internet. So it does work sometimes....but they both did have to go through some bad apples first before finding a good one!

    Thanks for your comment and the follow! Now following you too!

  23. LoL =D you're funny!
    I like Freckles =o can I have his number plz??

    I always end up chatting with weirdos online =/ cant trust them.

    happy blogging


  24. What a funny post!! ;) Love it... especially 35% satisfaction guaranteed! Thank you so much for stopping by our blog, we are following yours now too! ;)

  25. Freckles is the pretty cute, but I'm partial to both Ben and Jerry. I'm kinky that way, rawr.


  26. So funny and I like your blog a lot. Found you on 20sb. Keep in touch. :)

  27. OR... you could put an add on Craigslist saying you'll marry anyone in need of a green card and go from there. ;)

  28. I totally bummed that I'm married and I can't internet date. Wait. Nope =p

    You're funny =)


  29. Haha this is hilarious. If you're going to suffer through online dating, you might as well have SOME fun, right?? FYI, I am single person follower, per your message on 20SB. :)

  30. Well hells yeah you ARE about the humour.

    That was great. Though I hope Freckles' feeling aren't hurt; he has your best interests at heart.

    Too bad he can't conceal his handwriting better than that.

    Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?


  31. A few years ago I was sorta dating this guy online, but it got really weird really fast. Know the movie Shrek 2? And the song "Accidentally in Love" Well, I mentioned I liked that song/movie, and he got all upset because the music video was about a girl cheating on her boyfriend with a rabbit. Like, seriously. It was like a bad Lifetime movie. Needless to say it was a red flag and I ended it not long after that.

  32. As long as he's not Shearing-sheep-while-wearing-a-loincloth-and-listening-to-Pavoratti weird!!

  33. That's the best remix of SINGLE LADIES that's I've ever heard! You beat Kanye West to the punch!

  34. I am a new follower! I hope you had a happy SAD day!

  35. Great post!! Lot's of laughs! I'm blog hopping and found your blog! Am a new follower! Would love for you to check out my blog and follow back!

  36. Great post! I'm married but always spend Valentines day on my own, including the evening! There's no romance in our marriage at all. Sound like I need a chat with Freckles, lol.

    Have a great weekend, CJ xx

  37. This is so funny! I am your newest follower from the Friday blog hops. I have been doing some reading on your site and have been laughing and smiling the whole time! So glad I found your blog! You can find me at:


    Have a great day! :-)


  38. You are hilarious! I could not stop laughing!

    Bernadette - new follower

  39. 1. I like freckles, he sends cards, has romantic dinners, and isn't a jerk. Sounds like a winner to me!

    2. At least you guys broke up before he PEED in your bed (welcome to my life), or asked you for money (blogging about that one today).

    Awesomeness. Online dating is the hell. (That's why I'm blogging about it and chronicling the "fun")


Thank you for reading and have yourself a great day. Or night. Whatever.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...