I write about nothing of importance, which is important...to me.

Friday, September 10, 2010


Pictures of a MASSIVE goldfish have been circulating the Internet recently. I suspect that this is the REAL Loch Ness Monster:

Well, Scotland, I guess you'll have to be closing all of your tourist museums around Loch Ness, stop selling all of your tourist shirts, hats, keychains, mugs, sweaters-for-your-dog that say I Survived Loch Ness or Nessie is My Friend etc. because in my opinion, your "monster" is only a giant koi fish. Which isn't cool at all. Say goodbye to anybody ever coming to visit Loch Ness again (like I did a year ago. And no, I didn't take one of those boat "tours" to try and spot Nessie. Nor did I go into your museums...you guys charge way too much!).

Stop pretending this is Nessie, because everybody knows it's a FAKE now that we've seen how big koi fish can grow to be:

And, frankly, you should be embarrassed that you believe dinosaurs are still alive. Yep, that's right, I went to a dinosaur museum a few weeks ago that said dinosaurs are extinct, and I kind of believe them.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Scotland. I actually do regret not spending a fortune to walk through a cheaply-put-together museum catered to tourists. And believe it or not, I actually do regret not riding one of your "Let's find Nessie!" type of boat tours. I guess that's the whole Loch Ness experience...I mean, there's nothing else to go off of, right? I'm actually sad, too, that I don't have a mug that says I Believe in Nessie...because then at least, it'd prove that I'd been to Loch Ness, which is kind of famous. Oh, sure, I have pictures of me with the water in the background, but that looks like any other body of water. What makes Loch Ness so special is that it has an actual monster-of-a-thing living IN the water, and I really wish now that I had gone into that museum and saw other "undoctored" photos of Nessie at her best--above the water. Then I could've had a picture taken of me next to those pictures to prove that I was at Loch Ness...or at least in a museum of Loch Ness. Anyways...

I'll pretend that the classic picture of Nessie (above) is real and that there really aren't koi fish that huge, just to help you out and keep the tourists flowing in your direction. After all, you're Scotland, and you're cool. I'm glad to be of Scottish heritage, even if what you're most known for (at least around here) is Braveheart's William Wallace (no, not Mel Gibson) and most of all, the Loch Ness Monster. I mean, between those two options, Nessie is clearly the most realistic character of the two...and I could've had a one-in-a-zillion shot (kind of like finding OJ Simpson guilty of murdering his wife...) of seeing Nessie if I had taken a boat tour!


  1. You know what? The museum might say dinosaurs are extinct, but I read on my blog just a few months ago that they're still alive.

    So that's like.. one vote each. It's hard to know the truth.

  2. Actually, you're totally right--dinosaurs are still alive. In fact, there's one on TV who can even sing and dance. I call him Barney.


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