An Ode (Except Not Really) to the Hottest Grandma on the Net

August 2007

Who would combine puka shells with a purple/teal-mixed-animal-print blouse? None other than my grams! You have to admit they look great together too. To top off the outfit just throw on a tilted hat...ah, now the look's complete. This is just another ordinary picture that I have of Grams. But what's not so ordinary is the story behind the picture. Story time, children. Like, really, take a deep breath, relax, and take off your socks because they're about to be blown away...unless you've already taken your socks off, that is.

A few years ago I was bedridden due to major surgery. What to do with all my free time? Join hotornot.com of course! But, naturally, I would never join that site, so I had this brilliant idea to post a picture of Grams--the exact same picture in this post--on that site.

Her profile:

Username: SugaMoma
Age: 22
About Me: 'Sup, homie Gs? I'm looking for my gangsta love. He must love being spoiled. Rapping career a must (that way he could serenade with sweet lullabies like Eminem's "Mockingbird"). Must drive a cadillac--the lower the better. Sometimes it's hard getting into those things. Must be willing to call me Shawty. I'd appreciate it if he frequently throws up the Westside sign in my presence. Must sag his drawers regularly as if he has a loaded diaper--I feel accomplished playing the role of a mamacita. Bonus: have at least one gold tooth. Hollaback, dawgs. Word.

Success! She had wannabe rappers writing her from all over the country and to top it all off, her "hot or not" rating was an average in the high 8s (now I feel special when people tell me I look exactly like her)! I suspect, though, that she was receiving such high scores because there were 90 year old men on that site who came across her picture and thought she was the most beautiful creature the Internet had ever seen. Or, I'm not going to rule this out either; but maybe, just maybe, she was receiving such high scores because her profile and picture were hilarious. No, I think the first scenario is more likely. Unfortunately, some little party-pooper had to go along and report my grandma's picture to the authorities, and needless to say, we were banned from that site because a picture of a little "old" lady was in the same category with girls in their 20s, and that's clearly against the rules. Shame. Who says 22 year olds can't have wrinkles?

A couple of months ago I went with my friend to her ward's opening social and had to play one of those "get-to-know-you" kind of games...you know, the games you try to avoid. In an attempt to try and spice up the question, What's one thing you've done that you don't think anyone else in this room has ever done before?, I told everyone who came to me with a pencil and paper (I would never tell this story to people in my ward) that I had posted my gram's picture on that wretched site. By the end, everyone had known that my grams is HOT (mainly because the person in charge of the social read my answer out loud to the whole entire group, thanks). I guess the person in charge of the social gathering would rate my quirky story as an 8.8--you have to admit, though, that hearing about someone's grandma attracting rappers is 11 times more interesting than learning that someone climbed Mount Everest. Pshh. The Mount Everest story would probably only rate at a 5.3.

Now when someone comes up to Grams and says, You're so cute!, she now knows to respond with Actually, I'm hot. Just ask the Internet.

***No grandmas were harmed in the making of this blog.