Identity Crises

Have you ever stopped to think about the things in this world that don't seem to fit the "mold"? Maybe it's just me. I don't fit the mold. Heck, I don't even fit correctly on an adult bike. And maybe it's just me who thinks and ponders about "the mold"--no, not mold on cheese. Like, is tomato pronounced tuh-mey-toh or tuh-ma-toh? Obviously, it's pronounced the first way (I know because when you push the "speak" button on dictionary.com it says so), so I don't know whose idea it was to speak the latter.

On the topic of tomatoes...

What's the deal with them being classified as a fruit and then being treated as if they're a vegetable? I mean, fruit in a salad?! Bizzare...unless, it's a fruit salad. Maybe that's why I don't like salad--you just don't mix fruit with lettuce. Disgusting. Tomatoes, you're really a fruit, hence you don't belong in any kind of salad unless it's fruit salad. Wikipedia has this to say about how you should be treated:

Tomatoes have been designated the state vegetable of New Jersey. Arkansas took both sides by declaring the "South Arkansas Vine Ripe Pink Tomato" to be both the state fruit and the state vegetable in the same law. In 2009, the state of Ohio passed a law making the tomato the state's official fruit.

Different states are telling you that you're two different types of food, tomatoes. I'm sorry that you're so confused as to which role to play during your little lifetime. It must be really confusing for you. My verdict: if you're a fruit then act like a fruit. The end.

Rhubarb...

What's the deal with them being classified as a vegetable and then being treated as if they're a fruit? I mean, vegetable in a pie?! Bizarre...unless, it's...no, vegetables should never be made into a pie. That would be like me saying, Hey, I have this great idea. Let's make celery pie! Umm, no thanks. Rhubarb, you're really a vegetable, hence you don't belong in any kind of pie. Period. Wikipedia has this to say about your identity:

Rhubarb is considered to be a vegetable; however, in the United States a New York court decided in 1947 that since it was used in the United States as a fruit it was to be counted as a fruit for the purposes of regulations and duties.

Let me get this straight: You're born a vegetable. You have all the vegetable parts. But since you're being treated as if you're a fruit, the USA changes your identity to fruit? I can see the confusion displayed all over your little stick body. My verdict: if you're a vegetable then act like a vegetable. The end.

Ladybugs...

There's perplextion written all over these poor creatures' faces. First, they have the word lady in their name. Second, they have the word bug in their name. Two pieces of false information. These insects can be both male and female. So why the lady in their title?

The name "ladybird" originated in Britain where the insects became known as "Our Lady's bird" or the "Lady beetle". Mary (Our Lady) was often depicted wearing a red cloak in early paintings and the spots of the seven spot ladybird (the most common in Europe) were said to symbolise her seven joys and seven sorrows. In the US, the name was adapted to ladybug.

So, Britain pinned this on ya little guys. Oh gosh, am I blurring your self-image even more by calling you guys since you're apparently ladies? Now I'M confused. I just don't know what to call you. Just change your name altogether. I have an idea; how about Those Insects That Everyone Calls Bugs But Who Aren't Bugs That Everyone Thinks Are Sooooo Cute That They're Often Associated With Little Girls Along With Butterflies (Aww man, are butterflies actually made from butter...?) And Rainbows.

Besides the whole lady thing, we now have the fact from the ever-trustworthy Wikipedia (again) that you are in fact NOT bugs. That's right. You heard me. Apparently you're really coccinellids, a type of insect. I'm done trying to fit you into a certain category. My verdict: if you're an insect that act like an insect. Oh wait, you already do that. Well then, if you're a lady, then act like a lady. But, not all of you are ladies. You're probably an even mixture of males and females. Hmm...here we go: if you're cute, then continue acting cute. The end.

Michael Jackson...

"It don't matter if you're black or white". Oh really, Michael? Then...what's with all the changes...to your hair?

My verdict: if you're Michael Jackson then you make really good music. The end.